Take me to the land of Woods

Don't be afraid of losing someone who doesn't feel lucky to have you

and always stand behind your word.

The strangest thing happened to me last night…and it makes me think that if I wasn't head strong or a person of my word, it could have turned into a regretful night.

Being single in your twenties is a lot different than your thirties...for me at least. I think in your twenties you feel more free, and adventurous. In your thirties, you are more guarded and hopefully have grown to make safer decisions.

I went through a horrible breakup with my ex-husband. It's been four years since then and I finally feel ready to open myself to a relationship. For someone special in my life. I've re-directed the thought process and over analyzed myself--being the person I am, this is what happens, and opened myself up to more then just a bedroom companion.

So here I am, talking to a few men and getting to know them. One seemed to stand out. He was smart, owns his own business and has three daughters. He and I were on the same page when it came to relationships and it honestly shocked me that it seemed so easy. Normally, I would have tried to dissect him, but the new me, trying to be open, just went with it. For the first time I didn't over think anything and didn't have any expectations. After a week of great conversation, flirting and sharing about our lives, we decide to meet.

I went to a friends for dinner that night. She has this holiday dinner every year. We ate, drank, smoked and enjoyed the company. When the time came to meet up with him, I was so nervous. But a good nervous, like excited to see if we could vibe as well as we did on the phone.

Since I had a few drinks, he wanted to meet me closer then my hometown, which I understood. He came out to the the town I was at and we met up at a gas station to talk for a few minutes and allow the buzz to go away, even though I told him I wasn't as buzzed as he thought I was.

We parked our cars and to think back on it now, it was like my intuition knew something was off before I did. Reason being, I would have normally parked and hopped in his car to sit and talk. But this time, I never left my car. I made him come to my car.

It all started pretty normal. Him talking about his day and asking me how the dinner went. About ten minutes into the conversation, he reached over, slid his hand under my hair, moved my hair off my shoulder and began to rub the back of my neck. I think it would have been fine if he hadn't mention how tense I was.

First uncomfortable feeling for me.

So I tell him that it tickles me and to please stop. Which he did, for a minute. But came back and started doing it again. It took me to grab his hand, with force, and put it back on his lap for him to stop. We are sitting there now, in silence, and I begin to think, this is going nowhere. But, instead of allowing my mind to take everything to the negative side, I say to him, "So what do you want to do?"

He tells me, "Lets go to land of wood", which was his hometown.

I was shocked. He told me he was fine with going to my neighborhood, because I was comfortable with that and we would grab some drinks. You know, keep it mellow. So it really threw me for him to say that.

So, of course, I tell him, "I am not going to land of wood".

"Why"", he asked.

"Um, hello. Because when I asked you what you wanted to do, I meant which place did you want to go get drinks at. And, I have never been to Land of Woods before, and sorry, but I'm not going to start tonight". He drops it and starts talking about Christmas and his daughters favorite song. He tells me a couple of funny stories that happened at work and I'm thinking things are getting back on the right track.

He then reaches over and takes my hand in his, it seemed sweet. But then, he proceeds to talk about going to his town again. I'm totally rolling my eyes and telling him no. Because he MUST be joking right? I mean, you already asked twice and twice I said no. So he can't really be asking seriously….right?

He tells another funny story. I laughed and the next thing I know, he went from sitting in the seat, to stretching his body over his seat, over my center console to kiss me. I'm stunned, but decided to roll with it--not really sure why though, but it's what I did.

Well now he is right in my face, staring into my eyes saying, "Come on, lets go get some drinks and you can stay the night at my house".

I back up as far as I could. "What?"

He said, "Come on. We will go to my town, go to a couple of bars and you can stay at my house".

I said to him, "I already told you, I am not looking to just hook up with someone. I want more. No, I am not going to your town and I'm not going to stay at your house."

He says, "ok" and starts to kiss me again.

This time it was painfully obvious that he was trying to change my mind with this kiss, not just kiss me for good kissing sake. So I stop the kiss.

He looks at me and says, "really"?

And I say, "Yes, really".

He gave me this look like, are you really saying no to ME? He stays close to my face.

Staring into my eyes, he tries again. "Come on, it will be fun. I know we had plans, but what's wrong with breaking them? Why not be spontaneous for once. Come on, I feel like getting some drinks. If you don't want to stay at my house, I'll get you a hotel room."

And when he said "hotel room" it was filled with sarcasm and annoyance. Like, it was so lame for me to get a hotel room, if I could just sleep at his house.

It was complete confusion for me.

All of the conversations he and I had had up to this point was all about how we both were looking for something more then just a hook up, how he wasn't the type of guy to be pushy and wanted to make sure I felt comfortable, he was all about honesty and being able to talk things out and blah blah blah blah blah. Because now here we were: in my car, him practically on top of me being pushy and not giving a fuck that I was uncomfortable, lol. I am sorry, I am totally laughing right now as I write this.

He, in the process of him saying "hotel room" with such annoyance, his lips are on top of mine again.

I feel his hand on my knee and it starts to slide it up my inner thigh! I was like, WHAT THE FUCK?! I push him off.

"Yeah, that is soo not what I thought it was going to be. It's time to call it a night."

He lets out a big sigh. But then he got this joker grin on his face and he asks, "So…are you going to call me"?

WHAT?!

 I am still trying to process what just went down and did he seriously just ask me if I was going to call him? Wow.

The only thing I could do was look at him with my mouth wide open, my nose crinkled and my eyebrows narrowed down and with overly expressed sarcasm I say, "OH…I don't know".

His reaction?

"What? Really? Like you really have to think about it huh".

He thought I was serious!

He seriously thought I didn't know if I was going to call him.

Wow.

Moron.

 I didn't say anything. I just starred at him, waiting for him to get out of my car.

The 20 seconds it took him to get out of my car and into his own, I sat there in complete confusion. I like could NOT believe all that went down. I then could feel him staring at me from his car. When I finally looked over before driving away, he gives me this facial expression that I cannot explain and blows a kiss to me!

I couldn't fucking believe it. All I could do was shake my head and drive away.

After I left the douche bag, I called my best friend. One minute into our conversation I started to cry. Which shocked me! I didn't feel like I was going to cry, my nose didn't get tingling before it does when I cry…I...just...cried. I even told her that I couldn't fucking believe that I crying. She said it was shock, and I'm incline to agree with her.

Here's how our conversation went:

 me: omfg you wont believe what just happened

her: uh oh, what happened

me: tell her the story

her: what? um…uh….what?!

me: yeah…confused much? cause i know i am

her: wow, i did not expect that at all..

me: I know right? like..what the fuck just happened?

her: i…i don't even know what to say, wow.

me: yeah, like im so confused right now. did he really think i was going to give him any? like I told him over and over again---hey, im not doing this. So if this is what you want, look somewhere else.

her:well props to him for giving a good game. cause I would have never thought that of him. there were NO signs. wow…

me:totally, props to him, he has a good game. and I would have never thought too. like a completely different person

her:well shit dude…he game is good, but not THAT good. Or else he would have gotten it from you

me:lol. true story. good game, you got me to the ballgame, but you couldn't make any plays

her: lmao, I bet you he isn't used to be told no me: you know what, I totally feel that. her: so here is the dude, who thinks he is so suave and gets you to meet him, then tries over and over again for you to do what he wants and you were just like. NOPE.

me, lol. he was a cutie. so i can see that…

her: well he didn't meet a little girl tonight. he met his first woman. you basically told him that you didn't give a fuck about what he thought or wanted.

me: wow, you're right

her: totally dude. like, he is obviously a player, and good at his game. and im sure most girls, if he is cuter then his picture, cause he a cutie in his pic, and if that didn't give him justice, then im sure he has pulled this off many times before. but not with you. you were like, fuck no im not doing anything that i already told you i wasn't going to do, check mate mother fucker-lol.

me:LMFAO!

her: hahahahaha! seriously, you handled yourself, and he is just a little slut.

me: yeah, i know. just shocking. like, its fucking crazy that he really thought he could change my mind, lol her: well he just doesn't know you

me: i love you. thank you. what a fucking night, lol

her. love you too. seriously go home and smoke and write this. you have to write this and make it another chapter in your book.

me: thats exactly what i am going to do. write it out.

I received a text at 8:12am the next morning-

Good Morning.

Oh….My…..Goodness, what a fucking idiot.

143

No matter what the day brings coming home and seeing his face makes me happy.

Worth

Take a shower.  These are the words that were told to me by a smiling unknowing woman.  I sat in a seat too small for my body pouring my heart out.  I had reached bottom and desperately seeking guidance.  When she asked me how I was feeling, I couldn't stop myself from talking.  I talked about my marriage, my depression and even my worse childhood memory.  I could tell, when I was out of breath from talking, she had no idea how to handle me.  But it didn't stop me. I kept talking. It was an out of body experience, or some shit like that.  I could see the more I talked the more confused she became and I even think I saw a little fear in her eyes.  It didn't matter to me, I needed to talk. I needed someone who didn't know me to sit there, shut the fuck up, and let me talk.  

It was the only reason I broke down in my doctors appointment.  I knew I was slipping into the dark and needed to get the venom out.  So, I threw all of my normal tendencies out the window and completely broke down to my male doctor.  Told him how confused I was, how I had no one to talk to that would be able to understand. I felt like I was losing my fucking mind and I needed someone to talk to...NOW. He didn't even speak to me.  He reached over for his phone, asked for the psychiatry department.  When someone came on the line he said, "I have a patient here who is in need to speak with someone, she is a level 18". I had no idea what that fucking meant, but I am sure it was short for, "Get this crazy bitch out of my office". It worked.  He handed me a piece of paper and told me to go right over.  I thanked him and as quickly as I turned around to head for the exit was as quickly as my crying stopped. 

Driving over to see someone to talk me off a ledge, I must have smoked 5 cigarettes.  Yes, I smoke. Get over it. At least I don't deal with my issues by drinking and driving.  I started to cry again in the car as I was parking.  What the fuck is going on with me? Is this it for me? Am I about to walk into this building and be put away for 51/50? Would it be the worse possible thing if I did? I couldn't answer any of these questions, so I decided to take it one second at a time...it was all I had. Walking up to the building I told myself to stop being a fucking pussy, stop crying.  Amazingly enough, as I reached for the door, my tears were dry again.  

I am not sure if my doctor had called this office again, but they were waiting for me.  As soon as I walked up to their Check-In window and told the faceless woman my name, she told me someone would be right with me.  Before I was able to sit down, a door opened and someone called my name.  Following another faceless woman, she began to ask me how I was doing, as she looked back at me with a huge smile.  "Are you fucking for real?", is what came out.  I am sure I could have been ruder, so saying what I did didn't bother me, even now, doesn't bother me.  It was when her smile vanished did I finally crack a tiny grin.  She quickened her steps and showed me to an office. 

  "What's-her-face will be right with you", she said and closed the door.   

I took a look around the office. It was filled with sunshine, and I hated it.  Drawings taped up from children, a couple of plaques of how great this woman was and two huge plants by her desk.  She had file cabinets to the left and a small table to the right.  Her desk was cherry wood with a computer and piles of paper on it.  I took a seat.  Next to my seat was another small table with a tissue box on it and a small garbage can next to it.  Seeing that gave me a little hope. At least this lady was prepared so maybe this is what I need.  Suddenly I hear a soft knock on the door and she opened it.  Why did she knock? When she walked in, I knew right away, this was NOT what I needed.  She came in smiling too big and wearing too much makeup.  She said she was sorry for keeping me waiting.  She took her seat behind her mound of paper and asked me, "How are you feeling today"? That is when I had diarrhea of the mouth.  Everything came out, and no mattered how hard I tried, I couldn't stop the tears.  After the vomit words from my mouth, we sat in silence for a few minutes.  Me catching my breath, blowing my nose and her trying to figure out what the fuck to tell me.  

So, this is what she resorted to.

"Let me ask you, what is an activity you do that makes you happy, or feel better"?

I said, "What"?

She continued with, "Well, what is something that you do, that makes you feel better---refreshed"?

I just sat there, glaring at her.

"Ok, let me ask you this, how do you feel after you take a shower"?

"Clean", was my answer.

She chuckled. "No, what I mean is, don't you feel good after a long hot shower"?

"Yeah, I suppose...", is what I started to say.

She cut me off. "Well there you go! This is what I want you to do, I want you to go home and take a long hot shower. It is going to make you feel 100 times better, I promise", she said with a smile.

All I felt was rage. It took all I had to not tackle her to the ground and rip that smile off her face.  

"You are so right", I said sarcastically. "I do feel so incredibly better after I shower.  You know, I don't drink coffee and a shower has always been my way of waking up! I don't know why I never thought of taking a shower when I was thinking of ways to end my life". 

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "If you are having those kinds of thoughts, we really should be talking about other things".

"Oh no", I said. "I would never seriously think of hurting myself. I mean, don't we all have a bad day and wished we had another life? Haven't you ever thought that?"

She shifted again. This made me smile.

"That is something I cannot comment on...."

"Why not"?, I asked. 

She said, "Well this is not about me and my personal life, it is about you and helping you feel better". Again, she gave me that smile. 

I leaned toward her from my seat with obvious anger in my voice I said, "So answer this, how in the fuck are you suppose to help me with something you have never been through, or even thought of? Is this something they taught you in school? To tell an obvious hysterical person to take a fucking shower when they feel sad? Do you even know what it is like to have had the experiences I have so unselfishly shared with you"?

I watched as all the color drain from her face. 

"I am going to leave now, but before I do, please take this bit of knowledge from me. Stop walking into this office with a joker fucking grin on your face.  The people coming in here are hurting and need sympathy and a good ear.  Stop telling people to take a shower to help them feel better. It is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.  If you have no idea how they feel, stop acting like you do.  Send them to someone who can relate to them, because I know you are not the only fucking person around here to talk to".

Before leaving I turned to look at her once more, "One more thing, get out there and get some life experience to help your patients.  There is only so much a fucking book can teach you".

I would bet you a million dollars you were able to see the steam coming off my head as I left that office.  I couldn't believe this is the type of help they offered.  Although I am sure they could have offered better help, but at that moment, I had no idea how to obtain it.  Therefore, I was back at square one, but with a little less weight.  It did make me feel better to word vomit on her, I felt like I could breath a little easier again.    

When I look back on this interaction, I have to admit she did help me.  The anger took me to another place.  I was no longer thinking of a way to have another life, or run my car into a brick wall.  It made me go straight home and write about it.  All of the built of emotions lead me to write my very first short story.  The story may be dark and not everyones forte, but it allowed me to focus my mind on something else.  It took me out of my shitty reality and forced me to open up things in me I hadn't felt in a very long time.  So to that no name, no life experience woman, I say thank you.  Even though I do tend to think that if I had been a weaker minded person, I would not be here today.  I also hope she took what I had to say seriously.  

Dark times finds us all.  We cannot hide from them.  Everyone gets picked on, everyone gets demoted, everyone gets pushed away and everyone gets dumped.  

It happens. 

But we can choose what we do about them.  I am not saying you shouldn't give yourself time to cry it out or have a very teeny tiny pity party; cause you should.  Just don't extend it so far that you fall into a deep depression you can't get out of.  

That's not right.  

Some do nothing and complain about it.  Some do too much and complain about it. Others do a half ass job and complain about it.  I think if you fall into doing too much, or doing half ass; you have every right to complain about it.  

Because you tried.  

You are not going to get the right answer every time something happens.  You are also not going to be able to have the right answer every time.  It is the people who choose to do nothing and complain about it, I feel no sympathy for.  Stop making excuses of why you can't do this or that.  If you are scared, say it.  We all are scared when these times come upon us.  Just please stop sitting on your ass doing nothing.  Not everything is hopeless. Not everything will have an answer.  Not everything will make sense.  

All facts.  

But, that doesn't mean you cannot try and work your mind and life around it or through it.  Speak up! Other people have no problem trying to bring you down with their words, so why can't you bring yourself back up with your own? It doesn't matter what someone calls you, it is only real if YOU believe it. Stop believing others and start to believe in yourself.  You have every right to be part of this world and make the best out of your life.  

Follow your heart, but listen to your gut.  

It doesn't matter what your age is, there is never a bad time to re-connect with yourself.  Start with a list.  Who are you? What do you want? What are the things you can live without? What can you do to make yourself happy, everyday? 

Don't ever give up on yourselves. 

Take it from me, I have been in dark places many times in my life and it may seem like the only way out of the pain, but it is not. If you are have family and friends that you can go to and talk to, that is fucking fantastic, DO IT. For me, reaching out has always been difficult.  

It was implanted in my brain since I was little that no one fucking cares.  

So, you have to go at things by yourself.  I don't fully still feel this way, but it is something I still struggle with.  We all need to be brave and acknowledge our fears.  Put in the work to make a better you.  Try to think of it this way...if you can put the thought and energy into something that can ruin you, why wouldn't you use that energy to better you? I am not going to tell you to take a fucking shower, but I am going to tell you to do SOMETHING. Go clean out your closet.  Seriously, get rid of everything you haven't seen or worn in a year.  Try it, you might be surprised about the way you feel after.  Start a journal. Start doing a video diary of yourself. Do this everyday about your progress or how you feel that day.  I did that for a year, and it helped.  I still wrote, but the videos I really liked.  You can always go back and read about how you felt on that particular day, but when you are able to see yourself and see the tears or the smiles, it effects you differently.  To be able to see and re-live your emotions can be somewhat spectacular and help in a huge way. 

It is all about occupying your mind on something else, switch the focus.   

Be good to yourself, mentally.  I was taught in one of my classes that you need to be 85% selfish and 15% co-dependent.  You have to get right with you or else how in the fuck can you be right with anything else? We had no choice in the life that we were given, but it is your efforts that can make it better. It is never to late to change a decision you once made.  You can always take a different road.  Making a decision is putting yourself out there to the unknown and if it doesn't work out, guess what? You can go a different fucking direction.  You have all kinds of different routes around you.  Freeways, Highways, Back roads---you just have to choose one. You have to be willing to fight or yourself and yes, it is exhausting, but why don't you think you are worth it? It's been my experience that when someone cannot connect with themselves mentally, everything else just seems...pointless.  

You have worth---make sure you cash in on it. 

Confessing a feeling

I am not sure everyone goes through this, but I like to think they do.  Trying to love to unavailable.  I do know women are not the only ones that go through this.  I never thought of myself as someone who wears their heart on their sleeve.  Apparently, I was wrong.  I do think I am very good at not allowing every single emotion come out of me.  I believe I am a good person, and try to help when I can.  I am also a very selfish person, too.  I tend to allow my heart to lead me, but backtrack with my mind.  What I mean by that is, I will feel something very deep in me, but act as if it is no big deal.  Defense mechanism? Maybe.  

Growing up was....very interesting.  I won't lie and say that I remember everything growing up, because I don't.  I wish I did, well maybe I wish I remember more of the good times then what I actually remember.  Not to say I do not remember good times, they are just harder to obtain and are very blotchy.  However, it is my past that has made the woman and the personality I am and have today.  Something you hear all the time, but there is such truth to it, you can't deny the words.  I also believe it is what stops the growth of some things in my life too.  I tend to be very possessive, not jealous. Jealousy is not being able to trust, and although there are very few in my life, I can trust.  Possession is more towards something that is mine. Whether that be materialistic things, family, a boyfriend...those I consider mine.  And I will fight for what is mine.  

I think one of the biggest obstacles in my life has been love.  Sometimes wanting more, sometimes wanting less.  But it has become apparent to me it is the one thing I continue to search for, sometimes subconsciously.  I can understand how everyone is looking for love, who doesn't want to be loved? I think for me though, it runs deeper.  I was once told by an ex-boyfriend that I loved too hard and that is why he cheated.  How can you love someone so much it leads them to cheat? I can understand if I was an obsessive and clingy and stalker kind of chick...but I am not. I am the type of female who loves when a man has his own life.  I like to wish my man a good day, every morning.  And yes, sometimes you have to talk things through.  I respect a person who is willing to do that.  It is easy to run away so that is impossible of me to respect that kind of route.  There is nothing shameful about working on a relationship, and for a long time I didn't want a relationship.  Not because I have been hurt, we all have been hurt; but because I wasn't ready to put in the work.  However, that has all changed.

I pushed away someone for months.  I knew I wanted to be single, I actually loved being single.  But, now...I am missing that kind of connection.  I also have convinced him to be single.  So now, here I am, ready for something more and he is not.  I tend to think he really likes our friendship....I am guessing I am better at convincing others more than I thought.  Even though I know right now, he is not capable of a relationship, it doesn't stop me from wanting more.  He is going through his own trials and tribulations.  Different then what mine where, but doesn't make them any less complicated.  This is something I did to myself, but won't use the word blame.  It's more typical.  Typical in my life.  I know they say if you love someone, you should let them go.  If they come back it was meant to be, and if they don't...it wasn't.  I don't know if I fully trust that.  Because I did let him go, and he kept coming back; just in a different way.  I don't doubt that he doesn't like or care for me, he just doesn't want what I want.  Which is kinda crazy because when he wanted it, I didn't.  And I know that any kind of relationship with him would be work, a lot of work. It is a specific type work that I am unfamiliar with and is my past history, unfamiliar work scares me off.  However, the fact that I am willing to learn and try is huge for me.  

It's insane for me to put this all out there, I know, but it helps.  Maybe someone reading this knows exactly what I am feeling and can relate.  If you are one of those people, I feel your pain.  To want something that you can't express wanting is difficult.  More difficult then I would have ever thought.  Did I mention he is probably all wrong for me? Haha. Of course he is.  But that is what so appealing to me.  I am sure this is something that will never be, him and I.  We are in very different places in our lives, and I don't know if the capability of a relationship is feasible.  I am sure it will be one of those novels about loves that can never be.  Not to say the he will not meet someone to have a relationship with, I am sure that will happen.  Like I am sure I will find someone to be with.  I am merely confessing a feeling. A feeling of how I can care about someone so much, whom a relationship will never be considered.  Not the we both wouldn't want to consider it, it just seems out of grasp.   

Maybe my search of compatibility with someone is what is wrong. The fact that I now know I want one...a relationship.  I will also admit I might be feeling so much is because of all the oldies I have been listening to, haha.  Nothing makes you want to cuddle someone you love more than oldies do.  But, I won't stop listening...that's just me.  I also hope if he is reading this, it doesn't make him uncomfortable.  He knows I will never push anything, and will continue to be here for him. That is what friends do.  This is just something I do now, blog.  It helps me filter, and maybe get through my mind the reality of us, not the fairy tale.  Although this is something I have not talked to you about, I want you to understand that I understand.  I love you as a person, as a friend and I love us too.  Maybe one day this is something we can talk about, but for now---not necessary.  I do think it is important to know that it will not stop my search, as I know it won't stop yours.  

So I guess it for me, it all comes down to finding a specific someone.

I know I want to find someone who cares about me.  I am looking for a man. A man that is kind, funny and has life experience.  Someone who is capable in putting in effort, and stop beating around the bush.  Be direct with me. I will be direct with you.  An individual who has no problem taking care of someone who will surely take care of you.  I am no stranger to hard work, this is something I say often.  Therefore, I need someone who can do the same.  Someone who knows that when you go visit family, it's going to be an all day event and enjoys it. A man who loves food, lol. 

Ok, enough of that---I feel like I'm putting up a personal ad.  


All I am really saying is that I understand the dynamics of a friendship with a certain man and expressing it in this way helps me process it.  This is in no way meant to be anything more then that.  I understand the feeling of wanting something you can't have, and it sucks--no doubt about that, but I am thankful for the friendship we do share.  I hope if he reads this, he understands that.  Oh and for him to always remember, my love is like whoa! 

So I guess for now and forever, this will be the main man in my life...

Amy

She said, "I wish I was a stripper, they make that fetia!"

I said, "You are crazy, but I'll be your bodyguard!"

"LMAO @ you mariachi!"

"I'd only do that for you my cocina..."

I do not make friends easily.  I can meet people, and be courteous.  Make them laugh and feel comfortable. But, I do not call everyone my friend.  It takes me a long time to allow someone in my circle.  It is smart. You can't just trust anyone, everyone wears their masks well these days.  So when I met her, it shocked me how much I liked her.  With a flash of an eye, I considered her my friend.  She was crazy, smart, funny, a hustler and straight up.  She was the type of female who lived for her kids and her man.  She didn't give a shit who you were, she was going to be bluntly honest with you.  Down ass bitch, and she instantly not only became a friend, but one of my best friends.  I trusted her as much as I trusted my girls who I had known for years.  She felt the same way in return.  We were there for each other in the darkest times, and the happiest times.  They say that women spend most of their life trying to find that special someone to be there for them throughout their life.  I believe a lot of women don't consider their best friends to fill this role.  If you are lucky enough to have friends that don't judge, call you back, listen to you cry, hug you, tell you what an amazing person you are or just sit in silence with you---that is your throughout life partner.  

I met Amy a little over four years ago.  She came to work in the same office as me.  She said we didn't like each other when we first met, but I honestly can't remember never liking her.  She reminded me so much of my homie.  The very first memory of her I have from work was at Christmas time.  We sat in the front office, tying ribbons to ornaments and laughing.  I think it was our breakups that bonded us.  We would sit in my office and talk for hours.  We seriously had a hard time getting some work done, haha. When she went through the death of her baby's dad, I remember sitting there with her. Listening to her cry and ask why and express her feelings of their relationship.  All I know is that I tried to be there for her whenever she needed, and even when she didn't.  When things started to decrease in my relationship drama, she was right there by my side.  I knew I could trust her when I cried in front of her and shared secrets.  She never made a funny face, never laughed, just hugged me when I was done and told me what an amazing woman I was and she knew I was going to be ok.  She took my secrets and kept them close to her, she never shared them.  I never shared hers.  

When she was laid off from the office, I never thought that would be the end of our friendship.  'Cause you know how you can become close with someone you work with, but once they are gone---it's sometimes becomes one of those out of sight out of mind situations.  Never happened with Amy and I.  I would go by after work, bring dinner sometimes for her and her boys. Or she would cook for all of us.  We talked everyday, and shared everything with each other, like best friends do.  Even though I would never go out with her, no matter how many time she asked--haha. Going out just isn't my thing.  I enjoy staying in, or going out to dinner--maybe see a live band.  But this girl loved going out.  Dancing and shots of patron.  I loved that she never gave me a hard time about not going out, she would just tell me to come over for dinner the next day.  I deeply appreciated that.  We truly became like sisters.  We told each other everything, no details too small.  She became my rock, and I believe I was hers.  I think one of the most fascinating things about our friendship was that we never fought.  Amy had fought with everyone in her life, her illness did that sometimes.  But never with me.  That is something that holds a very special place in my heart.  

Two years ago, on my 32nd birthday, we got matching ink.  It was something I really wanted, and she was the one to suggest we get matching ones.  I never had a doubt, it actually made me more excited to get one.  That was a great birthday.  It was just her and I.  We started off at my place, getting ready.  Music pumping and her asking me to do her eye makeup.  Driving over to see her friend, we mostly drove in silence--content.  We got to the shop where she and Cisco immediately started talking shit to each other--haha; that was just them.  He was ready to go and had already drawn up our picture.  They had talked days before about what we wanted, and it was perfect. I told her to go first.  I don't think I had ever seen a female sit so still, and never make one expression on her face as the needle penetrated her.  I don't move either, however, I make all kinds of funny faces.  When hers was done, we all went out side for a smoke.  This was the first time I met her friend and could tell he was good people.  Extremely funny and foul---but charming at the same time.  She sat right next to me, laughing at all my funny faces as he was inking up my arm.  All I could do was laugh and tell her to shut the fuck up, haha.  The only difference in our ink is hers had one gold tooth...gangsta. After the shop, we tempted to go to the casino and dive into the buffet. But, we changed our minds when we saw how packed it was.  So we ended up at my favorite chinese restaurant.  Enjoyed dinner in peace and hugs goodbye.  

As I said before, I don't like going to clubs.  But, she talked me into going out with her once. It was to this little dive bar in Napa to meet this new guy she was talking to and to see a live band.  She came to my house, as I was running around trying to find something to wear and feeling less then pretty.  I didn't have to say anything, she just knew I wasn't feeling my best.  I know that because when I finally came out in my outfit, she took one look at me and said, "You are so pretty mariachi". Being me, I called her a liar and told her let's get the fuck outta here. She just laughed at me and agreed.  The trip to Napa was not as adventurous as the trip back, but we still had fun.  Lots of magik, and good music made it a quick drive.  We met up with her new dude, who is an amazing person, and followed him to the bar.  The band was extremely talented.  They played Santana, oldies and everything in between.  They blew my fucking mind.  We danced, in our chairs, drank---her patron, me one blue moon---and had a great night.  Until she started to feel sick.  We sat outside in my car for about 15 minutes. Him trying to convince her to stay and me talking on the phone to the new guy in my life.  I finally made the call to leave.  She looked really sick and I knew she didn't want to stick around anymore.  On the road, about 10 minutes into our drive she told me to pull over, she was going to be sick.  I didn't even have time to pull off an exit, I had to pull over on the side of the freeway.  She jumped out of my car and blew chunks.  I gave her a bottle of water to wash her mouth out and told her it was ok, I would get her home soon.  Back on the road, she started to look for her phone and couldn't find her purse.  When she told me she thought she left it on the side of the freeway, all I could think was; what the fuck?!  So, I got off the next exit to turn around.  When we got close to where I pulled over, I slowed down to about 5mph driving down the side of the freeway.  I can't even imagine how crazy we looked driving that slow and both heads looking to the right. When I pulled over where we both thought she hued, she couldn't find her purse.  I asked her if she was sure it wasn't under the seat.  She told me she already fucking looked there and it wasn't there. I told her to check again.  So, she slowly came back to the car, got in and reached under her seat.  She laughed as she pulled her purse out from under her seat.  I couldn't help but laugh with her.  "You stupid ass!", is all I could say through my laughs.  She told me, "I know, fuck. I'm sorry". We laughed the whole way home. 

On August 14th, 2011, Amy passed away.  

I have had special people pass away in my life, but, I had never had someone so close to me pass away before. The events of that entire night will never leave my brain.  It was the first time in my life I cussed at a police officer and accused one of being a liar. But, all I can really say about that night and the next three days is that I was happy I could help...it was my pleasure and I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.  

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her.  There is also not a day that goes by that I wish I could talk to her.  I am not sure if anyone knows how much I cry about this either.  I try to be strong, for her mom and her boys.  I think it would be selfish of me to cry to her mom about me missing my friend.  But will admit how much I miss Amy when her mom starts to cry to me about missing her only daughter.  

I am going to admit that sometimes I think I will get a text from her still.  Or get a morning call from her saying, "Wakey, wakey--eggs and bakey!" 

Makes me smile to think about it, and then I get a deep dark hole feeling in my tummy.  I am a believer in everything happens for a reason. Which is difficult for me and my life.  However, my faith keeps me good, no matter how much falling into depression seems easier.  Amy was a beautiful person, and if I ever fall into that dark place she helped me stayed out of, I would feel as if I am disrespecting her and our friendship.  

Therefore, I won't go there. 

I will just say this:

Amy, I appreciate everything that is you.  You were an amazing friend to me and I can only hope you knew how much I loved you.  Meeting each other and becoming such close friends was a gift.  I hope you are happy everyday and ask that you keep coming to me in my dreams. 

How could I dance with another

She stood there wearing a brand new dress made just for her.  She made sure she took her time with her hair and her dad even let her put a little makeup on. She was so nervous. Tonight was going to be the night, the night he was going to ask her to dance. She was sure of it. He had been very flirty with her all week, smiled every time he saw her and even told her that he couldn't wait to see her later tonight. Of course he was going to ask her to dance.

I got ready at home, by myself.  I didn't want the sounds of my friends in my ears right now. I needed to concentrate on looking the best I could. I know my friends would have been very supportive, I just needed to be alone.  My family had my dress made for me and it was perfect. Beautiful shiny candy apple red with black polka dots. It was tight on top, showed off my boobs (I had finally got some and yes was going to show as much as possible) and the bottom flared out like a fan. So when every time I spun around, it would spin with me. No tights, white socks with lace tips and the prettiest black shoes I had ever seen. I couldn't do much about my crazy curls, but try to tame them as much as I could. I thought about putting my hair up, but it had taken me so long to grow it, I wanted to show it off.  Thankfully, I found some one my aunt's hair junk in the bottom cabinet under the sink. I copied the way she would use it on myself, and when I flipped my head back over to check it out, it looked pretty good to me. My dad called out that is was time to go.  He was going to drop me off at my best friends house so we can walk to the dance together. I ran out of the bathroom to my room. I quickly put on my necklace, earrings and a beautiful bracelet my mom let me borrow. I knew it was costume jewelry but I didn't care. It was sparkled like a million diamonds. I took one last glance at myself and with an approving nod I ran downstairs. 

The drive seemed to take forever. I wanted to tell my dad to hurry up, but I knew better then that. So I just sat there with a smile on my face and nodding at everything he was telling me.

"Don't talk to any adults outside the building where the dance is."

"Make sure you girls stay together."

"No kissing boys!"

To which I answered, "Ewl, Pop." But my heart was pounding at the thought of that certain boy kissing me. 

Finally reaching my best friends house, I thank my Pop for the ride, jumped out and ran to the front door.  I didn't even have to knock. She swung the door open and I could tell she was just excited as I was. In the house, we told each other how awesome we looked and touched up our makeup. Two more of our friends showed up, and we had to tell my best friends mom to stop taking pictures so we could leave already. We knew we didn't want to be the first ones there, but we didn't want to the last ones either.  Camera put away, us four headed out the door, feeling like a million bucks, to walk the two blocks to our school.  

The cafeteria looked beautiful.  Streamers strung everywhere, long tables with food and drinks on them and balloons everywhere.  The strings of the balloons were kept long with curly ends, it was perfect.  The DJ was spinning all the jams and we hit the dance floor hard.  Janet Jackson, Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam, Michael Jackson and Madonna kept us on the dance floor. I was having so much fun, the boy of my dreams almost slipped my mind.  My best friend tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the door.  There he was. He looked so good, it almost stopped my heart.  He had on some black slacks, button up shirt and a tie. He caught me looking at him and flashed a huge smile my way. Pretty sure I almost died.  When I smiled back at him, I could totally feel my cheeks flush.  If I wasn't brown, you would have been able to see the red on my cheeks.  However, I didn't want to seem too eager. Or to let on in anyway all the hard work I put into my appearance was all for him.  So I did what any other girl would have done my age, I ignored him for the next hour.  I thought if I acted like I wasn't interested, it would make him want me more. I mean, that is what I had seen in all the movies, so of course it would work in real life. It had to...right? Wrong!

After thirty minutes of me not smiling back at him, or making eye contact, he asked some other girl to dance. But not just any girl, the girl I disliked the most.  Tracy Spellman.  She thought she was so cool with her blonde hair and blue eyes.  She always had the newest everything and her older sister would drop her off at school in her convertible mustang.  She talked to people as if she owned them. I had nothing nice to say about Tracy Spellman.  

I saw her take his hand and lead him on to the dance floor.  I couldn't believe it. I just stood there, with my mouth wide open. This wasn't suppose to be happening, I thought.  He is suppose to ask me to dance. This was suppose to be our night. I felt a tingle in my nose and knew the tears would start to well up in my eyes soon.  Don't cry, I told myself. Don't you dare cry. As I turned to head to the bathroom, I heard Tracy laugh and tell him he was so funny. That was all it took. The floods opened and I could no longer stop the tears streaming down my face.  My best friend was right on my heels as I walked faster to the bathrooms.  Once inside, I locked myself in a stall to try and calm myself down.  My best friend was in the stall next to me, standing on the toilet and looking over to talk to me. 

"Don't cry honey, you know he doesn't like her", is what she started to tell me.

"Don't say that, 'cause we really don't know how he feels about her", was my response.

"This dance is something we have been waiting for for months", she said.  "I am not going to allow you to ruin it for yourself over some boy. Come on, let's get cleaned up and go out there and shake our booties off!"

I finally looked up at her and smiled. God, I loved her.

I got myself up and out of that bathroom stall, wiped away the tears, smiled at myself in the mirror and with the support of my best friend returned to the dance. 

The DJ started to play our favorite song and once again, we were dancing.  Everything sad I was feeling I let it out on the dance floor.  Swinging my hair around and laughing when we all started doing the robot.  Before I knew it, we had a huge circle of people around us having a blast.  For the next hour the only time we stopped dancing was to get something to drink.  I didn't even look around to find the boy of my dreams. I decided this dance was for me, not him anymore.  

The DJ started to say that he had a great time with us, but this was going to be the last song of the night.  We all pouted.  Then, he put on my favorite song by Keith Sweat. Ugh, I thought, why does the last song have to be a slow one? I was about to ask my best friend if we should leave, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and there he was in front of me.

"Can I have this dance?', he asked me.

I had no words, so I nodded.

He grabbed my hand and lead me out to the middle of the dance floor. He brought me in close to him, his hands on my hips and mine on his shoulders.  

"I wanted to ask you to dance all night, but you looked like you were having so much fun with your friends, I didn't want to interrupt", is how he started our conversation.

"Oh", was all I could get out.

"You look really pretty tonight", he said.

"Thank you, so do you", I said with a smile. Then thought, oh geeze, did I really just call him pretty?

He laughed and thanked me. He had a great laugh.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Tracy Spellman starting at us. She didn't look happy at all. Standing there with her hip popped to one side and arms crossed in front of her.  I had no idea what she was thinking, but I finally knew what they meant when they say, "If looks could kill".

"I don't think Tracy is very happy about us dancing right now", is what I told him.

He looked over her way and shrugged his shoulders.  "She can be a nice person", he said, "But, she knows I only like her as a friend".

This made my stomach do flips. 

He stepped a little closer to me, his arms going around my waist.  

"Maybe", I said, "She is confused because you asked her to dance earlier".

He then told me, "I didn't ask her to dance, she asked me. I didn't want to be mean, so I said sure".

Again, my stomach did flips.

"Besides", he continued, "I was looking forward to seeing you tonight.  So, how could I want to dance with another girl"?

It was the first time I ever felt happy chills run through my whole body.  

We continued to dance, but no longer talked.  I placed my head on his shoulder and let the sweet sounds of Keith Sweat drown out everyone and everything.