How could I dance with another

She stood there wearing a brand new dress made just for her.  She made sure she took her time with her hair and her dad even let her put a little makeup on. She was so nervous. Tonight was going to be the night, the night he was going to ask her to dance. She was sure of it. He had been very flirty with her all week, smiled every time he saw her and even told her that he couldn't wait to see her later tonight. Of course he was going to ask her to dance.

I got ready at home, by myself.  I didn't want the sounds of my friends in my ears right now. I needed to concentrate on looking the best I could. I know my friends would have been very supportive, I just needed to be alone.  My family had my dress made for me and it was perfect. Beautiful shiny candy apple red with black polka dots. It was tight on top, showed off my boobs (I had finally got some and yes was going to show as much as possible) and the bottom flared out like a fan. So when every time I spun around, it would spin with me. No tights, white socks with lace tips and the prettiest black shoes I had ever seen. I couldn't do much about my crazy curls, but try to tame them as much as I could. I thought about putting my hair up, but it had taken me so long to grow it, I wanted to show it off.  Thankfully, I found some one my aunt's hair junk in the bottom cabinet under the sink. I copied the way she would use it on myself, and when I flipped my head back over to check it out, it looked pretty good to me. My dad called out that is was time to go.  He was going to drop me off at my best friends house so we can walk to the dance together. I ran out of the bathroom to my room. I quickly put on my necklace, earrings and a beautiful bracelet my mom let me borrow. I knew it was costume jewelry but I didn't care. It was sparkled like a million diamonds. I took one last glance at myself and with an approving nod I ran downstairs. 

The drive seemed to take forever. I wanted to tell my dad to hurry up, but I knew better then that. So I just sat there with a smile on my face and nodding at everything he was telling me.

"Don't talk to any adults outside the building where the dance is."

"Make sure you girls stay together."

"No kissing boys!"

To which I answered, "Ewl, Pop." But my heart was pounding at the thought of that certain boy kissing me. 

Finally reaching my best friends house, I thank my Pop for the ride, jumped out and ran to the front door.  I didn't even have to knock. She swung the door open and I could tell she was just excited as I was. In the house, we told each other how awesome we looked and touched up our makeup. Two more of our friends showed up, and we had to tell my best friends mom to stop taking pictures so we could leave already. We knew we didn't want to be the first ones there, but we didn't want to the last ones either.  Camera put away, us four headed out the door, feeling like a million bucks, to walk the two blocks to our school.  

The cafeteria looked beautiful.  Streamers strung everywhere, long tables with food and drinks on them and balloons everywhere.  The strings of the balloons were kept long with curly ends, it was perfect.  The DJ was spinning all the jams and we hit the dance floor hard.  Janet Jackson, Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam, Michael Jackson and Madonna kept us on the dance floor. I was having so much fun, the boy of my dreams almost slipped my mind.  My best friend tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the door.  There he was. He looked so good, it almost stopped my heart.  He had on some black slacks, button up shirt and a tie. He caught me looking at him and flashed a huge smile my way. Pretty sure I almost died.  When I smiled back at him, I could totally feel my cheeks flush.  If I wasn't brown, you would have been able to see the red on my cheeks.  However, I didn't want to seem too eager. Or to let on in anyway all the hard work I put into my appearance was all for him.  So I did what any other girl would have done my age, I ignored him for the next hour.  I thought if I acted like I wasn't interested, it would make him want me more. I mean, that is what I had seen in all the movies, so of course it would work in real life. It had to...right? Wrong!

After thirty minutes of me not smiling back at him, or making eye contact, he asked some other girl to dance. But not just any girl, the girl I disliked the most.  Tracy Spellman.  She thought she was so cool with her blonde hair and blue eyes.  She always had the newest everything and her older sister would drop her off at school in her convertible mustang.  She talked to people as if she owned them. I had nothing nice to say about Tracy Spellman.  

I saw her take his hand and lead him on to the dance floor.  I couldn't believe it. I just stood there, with my mouth wide open. This wasn't suppose to be happening, I thought.  He is suppose to ask me to dance. This was suppose to be our night. I felt a tingle in my nose and knew the tears would start to well up in my eyes soon.  Don't cry, I told myself. Don't you dare cry. As I turned to head to the bathroom, I heard Tracy laugh and tell him he was so funny. That was all it took. The floods opened and I could no longer stop the tears streaming down my face.  My best friend was right on my heels as I walked faster to the bathrooms.  Once inside, I locked myself in a stall to try and calm myself down.  My best friend was in the stall next to me, standing on the toilet and looking over to talk to me. 

"Don't cry honey, you know he doesn't like her", is what she started to tell me.

"Don't say that, 'cause we really don't know how he feels about her", was my response.

"This dance is something we have been waiting for for months", she said.  "I am not going to allow you to ruin it for yourself over some boy. Come on, let's get cleaned up and go out there and shake our booties off!"

I finally looked up at her and smiled. God, I loved her.

I got myself up and out of that bathroom stall, wiped away the tears, smiled at myself in the mirror and with the support of my best friend returned to the dance. 

The DJ started to play our favorite song and once again, we were dancing.  Everything sad I was feeling I let it out on the dance floor.  Swinging my hair around and laughing when we all started doing the robot.  Before I knew it, we had a huge circle of people around us having a blast.  For the next hour the only time we stopped dancing was to get something to drink.  I didn't even look around to find the boy of my dreams. I decided this dance was for me, not him anymore.  

The DJ started to say that he had a great time with us, but this was going to be the last song of the night.  We all pouted.  Then, he put on my favorite song by Keith Sweat. Ugh, I thought, why does the last song have to be a slow one? I was about to ask my best friend if we should leave, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and there he was in front of me.

"Can I have this dance?', he asked me.

I had no words, so I nodded.

He grabbed my hand and lead me out to the middle of the dance floor. He brought me in close to him, his hands on my hips and mine on his shoulders.  

"I wanted to ask you to dance all night, but you looked like you were having so much fun with your friends, I didn't want to interrupt", is how he started our conversation.

"Oh", was all I could get out.

"You look really pretty tonight", he said.

"Thank you, so do you", I said with a smile. Then thought, oh geeze, did I really just call him pretty?

He laughed and thanked me. He had a great laugh.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Tracy Spellman starting at us. She didn't look happy at all. Standing there with her hip popped to one side and arms crossed in front of her.  I had no idea what she was thinking, but I finally knew what they meant when they say, "If looks could kill".

"I don't think Tracy is very happy about us dancing right now", is what I told him.

He looked over her way and shrugged his shoulders.  "She can be a nice person", he said, "But, she knows I only like her as a friend".

This made my stomach do flips. 

He stepped a little closer to me, his arms going around my waist.  

"Maybe", I said, "She is confused because you asked her to dance earlier".

He then told me, "I didn't ask her to dance, she asked me. I didn't want to be mean, so I said sure".

Again, my stomach did flips.

"Besides", he continued, "I was looking forward to seeing you tonight.  So, how could I want to dance with another girl"?

It was the first time I ever felt happy chills run through my whole body.  

We continued to dance, but no longer talked.  I placed my head on his shoulder and let the sweet sounds of Keith Sweat drown out everyone and everything.

My favorite dream

I was sitting at the table. I had missed my friends so much and I couldn't believe how happy I was to be with them. that overwhelming feeling of having to go to the bathroom come on. standing up doing the pee pee dance, I feel this weird sensation. I look down and there is liquid all over the floor.

I knew early into my 20's that having children was defined as impossible by my doctors.  It took me a long time to accept this information.  I had never dreamt of being pregnant, till the other night. It shocked me that I couldn't write about it right away.  Writing is my release. But, this wasn't about any kind of release for me. I woke up happy after this dream. I know it is something that can never be so I thought this dream should have made me sad. I was completely wrong. It put an extra pep in my step.  I woke up with a huge smile on my face.  So after letting it marinate in my brain for a couple of days, I decided to share a happy dream. Isn't dreaming all about the things you wish you could have?

I was sitting at homie's house.  She was going on and on about the kids, work and her husband.  I sat there laughing and rubbing my belly.  I got a call, it was BCOC.  She wanted to meet up for dinner. She said she already talked to wetta and she was down too. We decided to meet at bcoc's favorite place, El Burros.

The car ride there is a little fuzzy. All I can remember was sitting in the passenger seat of homie's car, singing really loudly and really badly to Girls by the Beastie Boys.  This is one of our favorite songs. We change the words up a bit, but that's personal information. ;)

Before we get to the restaurant, homie tells me she wants to make a quick stop. I was happy to go along. We ended up at the hugest Targets I had ever seen. It seriously was the size of two Super Walmarts.  The craziest thing about this target, it was a drive through. You could stay in your car and cruise down each aisle. There were so many people in their cars, happily driving and reaching out of their window to grab what they needed.  

Homie said she only had to go down the beauty section. But while we were there, could I suggest some eye makeup? ha ha. If you know me, you would know why that is funny.  She got her shampoo and I grabbed some different eyeshadow shades that would accentuate her eye color. I also grabbed a brush for her, no point in buying the colors if you don't have a brush to apply it dude. That is what I told her when she tried to fight me on the brush.  

Back on the road, homie starting asking me questions about the baby growing in my belly.  We compared notes on morning sickness, and cravings and lack of sleep. I am the girl who loves to sleep on her belly, so not being able to for the past few months was killing me, but it was worth it.  I couldn't remember being happier in my entire life.  Homie asked if I had changed my mind about finding out the sex. I told her no. I wanted to be surprised. This was a gift, I didn't want to cheat. I explained it was like trying to sneak a peek at a Christmas gift, just wasn't right. I wanted to wait and see what I had been blessed with. She just smiled at me. 

Now we are in the restaurant.  Bcoc, homie, wetta and I. Walking through the place to our table, I had a few strangers stop me and tell me how wonderful it was that I was pregnant. All I could do was smile and thank them. As I waddled to my seat, I took another look around the restaurant and every single person I had ever known was in that place.  Family, friends, acquaintances and even people I really didn't care for all that much.  

I was shocked! 

Thrilled! 

Confused!  

I look over to my girls, who all screamed SURPRISE! Behind them curtains opened and there was the biggest pile of presents I had ever seen in my life. Big presents, little presents--all wrapped in pink and blue and purple and yellow colors.  

I started to cry, of course, and suddenly everyone was coming towards me. I could fell the love the in the room. For a few moments it was as if someone had pressed fast forward. It was like every person had come to me to congratulated me, rub my belly or tell me how I deserved this blessing; all happened in a matter of seconds. Oh, and they kinda sounded like chipmunks.  Once in a while, when I scanned the room---time would slow down too. I had never in my life seen so many smiles. For some reason I knew I didn't have a boyfriend or husband, and it didn't matter. These people were here to support me, I was doing really going to do this--after all this time.  Suddenly I heard my Pop ask everyone to quiet down. When all eyes were on him, this is what he said.

"Mona, I am very proud of you. You are a strong woman and a hard working woman. I am always going to worry about you, but I also know you can take care of yourself. This baby is lucky to have you as a mother."

There are no words I can use to explain the joy I felt. 

After opening all the presents, which seemed like an eternity, I got this overwhelming sensation to use the restroom.  I stood up, doing the pee pee dance and felt something really odd.  I looked down and there was liquid all over the floor.  I locked eyes with my homie. 

"I think my water just broke."

Her eyes bulged out of her head like in the cartoons and started to yell at everyone to get the fuck out of the way.  We must have taken a bus to the hospital, because my mom, my COT, my sisters, my pop, my brothers all kept popping up right next to my head telling me to breathe deeply. By the time we got to the hospital, I wanted to slap every single one of them. Love was no longer in the air. :)

I am being rushed into the hospital in a wheelchair with my sister in front of the pack screaming, "Out of the way you dumpster pigs! My sister is having a baby!" 

My other sister yelling at her, "Shut up! Oh my gosh, I am embarrassed for you." 

My mom is crying, "My baby is having a baby, thank you Lord!"  

I am being wheeled into a room, I glance back and see my Pop. He smiled and gave me a nod. 

In the room, laying on the bed now, hooked up to crazy machines, I can really feel the pain now. 

My brother comes in and tells me it's going to be all OK, and hands me a balloon. I look at him, tilt my head to the side and said, "What's with the balloon dude?" He said, "Hello, focal point". This, in the midst of all the madness going on around me, made me laugh so hard it brought tears to my eyes.  

Then the doctor came in. He asked me if I was ready. 

I told him, "I've been ready all my life".

I woke up with my hand on my stomach and a smile on my face.  I am really happy the dream ended there.  I had an amazing support system, and everyone who mattered was there.  Not everyone spoke, but all their faces kept popping up throughout my dream.  

For the ladies who have children, go and hug them right now.  Tell them how much they matter and how much you love them. Even if they roll their eyes at you.  Being able to bore your own children really is a gift, appreciate that shit. I can understand how it can be tough at times, I have heard many stories.  Your kids are going to challenge you, fight you, think they hate you and lie to you. They will also hug you, thank you, help you and love you.  Be thankful for it all. 

love.

love. four little words that can change your entire life.  

love. everyone wants it, not everyone is willing to give it. 

love. something one is willing to die for. 

love. something we don't always do for ourselves.

love. each other, to make this world bearable.  

love. be respectful. 

love. be silly. 

love. be strong. 

love. allow yourself to embrace it. 

love. allow yourself to leave it. 

love. not always perfect. 

love. you can feel it.

love. ability to trust. 

love. is more than words.

love. music. 

love. buy him flowers. 

love. buy her food. 

love. keeps you warm. 

love. makes you cry. 

love. animals old and young. 

love. all the children in your life.

love. to hear their voice. 

love. slows down the world.

love. leafless trees.

love. internet. 

love. can destroy your world. 

love. makes you laugh. 

love. artistic expression.

love. food. 

love. curly hair. 

love. flirting. 

love. kisses. 

love. confirmation. 

love. confusion. 

love. foggy days.

love. how you feel when they hug you. 

love. cuddle time. 

love. dancing. 

love. writing. 

love. who you are.

You are special

We had been hunting him for a while. He was growing stronger and taking more 

women...we knew our time was running out. We finally found him, in some random park.  It was like his castle. Plenty of places to hide and disappear into the dark. When he met me, he told me I was special. I told him to fuck off. He grinned and said that everyone was allowed to disobey him... once. I looked back to my force I had with me, wondering why no one had tried to retain him yet. In those few seconds, I realized what was going on, but it was too late. They grabbed me. The sight of seeing him walk towards me was enough to make me pass out....

I am not sure how I got involved in searching for this man.  He was kidnapping women, and abusing them.  That was a huge mystery for me...how was he able to take over the minds of adult women and make them do these things? Didn't matter why, all that mattered was that it was happening and there had to be something done about it.  

I remember being at someones house. Watching TV with kids, laughing.  Then she walked in.  I knew I had seen her before, but couldn't place her. But I instantly trusted her. She came in and told me that he just took another woman, a little younger this time. She had leads to where he was and we left. It wasn't a question of if I wanted to go, I knew I had to go. So I ran after her. 

We had followed his trail to one of the hugest parks I had ever seen.  When we got there, I saw that two more females had joined us, determination in their eyes. We split up. Thought it would be easier to find the asshole. We finally came to a little rest stop in the middle of the park. There was a bathroom, a phone and a long perfectly planted row of trees. That's when he allowed himself to be seen.

I am not entirely sure everything he said to me, but I do remember him saying he knew I was special.  I know I should have bee scared, but I wasn't.  I had a feeling I had been trained for this, I was prepared...what a silly girl I had been. I vaguely remember telling him what a sick and twisted fucker he was. He just grinned.  He had a grin that could send chills down your spine, you knew he was evil.  As I stood there having this conversation with him, I started to wonder why my backup had become silent. I thought since I was distracting him with conversation, they were finding a way to detain him.  I was wrong. I turned around to see them smiling up at him with this great amount of respect and as if he was adoring.  Fuck. I was grabbed and could feel the roped being tied behind my back.  Fright finally kicked in. I passed out watching him walk towards me...with that grin on his face. 

When I awoke, my clothing had been changed.  I sat there with with only a shirt and underwear on.  No socks, no shoes, no bra--I felt very vulnerable and cold. I looked around and saw all the women he had taken.  They sat in front of the trees, the long row of perfectly planted trees. They were dressed similar to me, although some had no clothes on at all.  What happened next is something I will never forget. He looked over at me, saw I was awake and nodded to the first girl in the row.  She slid her shirt off her shoulders and stood up. Out of the shadows the woman I trusted appeared. She walked up and started beating this poor girl.  Punching, slapping, biting, calling her names---it seemed to go on for an eternity.  The poor victimized lady screamed and cried and begged for her to stop. It was like every time she cried out in pain, the bitch I trusted hit her harder.  The other bitch's I trusted finally appeared.  They each took their time beating every single female.  At one point, I closed my eyes and turned my head away. I couldn't stand it anymore.  He yelled at me to look. Said if I didn't look at what I couldn't stop, they would receive a harsher punishment.  I took a deep breath, and continued to watch them. These bitches had moved on to tree branches. I will not give any more details of what I saw---it is too horrendous.  Once he was satisfied, he put his hand up in the air. The bitches stopped. All the other ladies were lying on the ground now. Some making painful moaning sounds and some making no sounds at all. As he walked towards us, I noticed the bitches were out of breath--no way they would be able to chase me down, I thought.  When he reached us, he gave each bitch a kiss on the cheek. Told them it was their time now. I thought he meant they were going to beat on each other---this got me very excited.  If they were going to waste the rest of their energy beating on each other, I would be able to run away. I sat up straighter, waiting for my chance to get up and run.  I was wrong. Each female began to walk towards me, looking possessed and hungry. I got it. They had done such a great job for him, they were being rewarded with me.  He was in front of the line and helped me stand up.  Don't you worry, he whispered in my ear, they will not love you as much as the other girls. You are special. I want time alone with you too.  He caressed my cheek with his hand and I spit in his face.  Again, he gave me that evil grin. 

I assumed, when I woke up, that the amount of beating I received was enough to make me faint.  It was still dark outside. My whole body hurt. From what I could see, I had cuts from head to toe. Bruises were already prominent. The bitches were nowhere in sight, and the ladies by the trees were gone too. I tried to stand and fell instantly.  The pain was horrific. Never in my life had I ever felt this kind of pain.  But, I was not going to give up. With tears streaming down my face, I tried to stand about a dozen times-all failed. One more time, I told myself. Get your fucking ass up--you can do this.  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and tried again. Half way up I felt a branch. Shocked that I hadn't felt it before, I wrap my hand around it and put all weight on that branch. With one final push, and one huge agonizing scream coming from my mouth, I was up.  

Suddenly I see a car. And as quickly I see the car, I feel him behind me; gently placing a blanket over my shoulders.  He told me to stay silent.  The car stops and four people get out it. An older gentleman and his three kids.  He gives the psychopath a nod and they all head into the restroom. The stranger didn't even look at me. Was I invisible? The family came out, smiling, and got back in the car.  I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. Not one of them looked at me. I was going to be stuck with this sick son of a bitch and there wasn't anything I could do about it. Then out of nowhere, you could hear one of the abused ladies call out for help. In a flash psycho disappears behind me. With every inch of strength I had, I ran over to the car. I slid in practically on top of the driver and beg him to drive away. Please, please just drive. With shock on his face, he turns the car on, tells his kids to buckle up and drives away as fast as he could.  

I made my way into the backseat and for the first time sighed with relief.  I began to tell this family what had happened.  He told me I needed to call the police and see a doctor.  It was not that I didn't agree with him, it was more of my gut telling me it was a bad idea. Out of nowhere, the father of my savior family hands me his cell phone. I could hear it ringing on the other end. Psycho answered it. I told him that he was not going to get away with anything. I knew what he looked like and I knew where to find him. You are going down mother fucker was the last thing I said to him before I hung up. 

Flash to the hospital.  We are walking around trying to find someone to help us.  Do we call the police? Allow the hospital to call the police? What should we do? Finally father savior tells me he thinks we should go into the ER, get me checked out and go from there. He said I looked horrible and was still bleeding.  I finally agreed. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep my energy up much longer, I was already feeling dizzy.  When we reached the ER, there was a security guard and a Police officer in the waiting room. The nurse behind the window looked at me and said they had been waiting for me.  The officer stretched out his hand and told me it was OK now. I started to walk towards him....but then I stopped.  I asked him if I could trust him? He smiled and said of course.  Then I asked how they knew I was coming? The nurse told me it was because I called ahead.  No, I didn't.  The security guard gave me a confused look.  The police officer walked towards me, smile on his facing and nodding his head; yes I did call. I started to back up, energy level was full again, heart beating so loud I would swear they could hear it. And I was scared shit less. I reached back and felt my father saviors hand, grabbed it and started to run.  I could hear the officer yell behind me to stop. No fucking way, I thought. We ran and ran in that hospital, father savior's hand never left mine and was right behind me the whole time.  We finally lost the cop and ducked into what seemed to be a very private and out of view room. I sat for a minute trying to catch my breath. I turned my head to look at the man who saved me. The man who took a chance on me, the man who I will forever be in debt to. I turned with a smile on my face and saw his face grinning back at me. His demented, psycho face grinning at me.  

"I told you," he said. "You are special."

I woke up screaming. 

Moral of that story kids...never eat chili right before bed, haha.

You deserve more then that

I want to make something clear---these are actual events that have happened in my life. Altered to keep those close to me safe, and no one needs to know every single detail.  This is also not meant for anyone to feel sorry for me. Shit happens. That's a fact. It is also a fact that some people get shit on more then others. I am learning I happen to be one of these people.  I say that because I use to think I had to have been doing something bad/wrong for these misfortune events to be happening to me.  Maybe I wasn't studying hard enough, nice enough to other kids at school, didn't show enough love to my loved ones. But the truth is, I just get shit on a lot.  That's cool man. I am in constant learning mode and have amazing and supportive people in my circle of trust. 

I am no stranger to hard work. I thrive when given multiple tasks with a deadline. I love that shit. So, when I was working 2 jobs, 6-7 days a week, it wasn't difficult. It never felt like something I HAD to do and groaned about all the time. It had to be done, so you get up every morning and do it. 

When I first moved to where I live now it was very difficult.  I had never felt so out of place. The people were just different from me. Most of the people are beautifully superficial. Where I am from, you're not superficial---you brag about what a bargain you got.  There was money, but not everyone talked about it like most do here. Money doesn't make you the person you are---it can hinder it. So, me working as much as I was, wasn't about the money---it was about survival.  

I didn't have a lot of bills, just a few huge ones.  Asking for money is something I have never felt comfortable doing. There are very few people in the world that I would ask to borrow money from, I literally mean 2. So what does a single girl do? She gets her ass to work to make ends meet. 

I had become very comfortable with my work. Everyday the same thing, which was fine with me, until the day I met Barbara.  I needed help at my full time job and she was the answer.  Smart, funny, motherly and all around one of the most kick ass ladies I had ever met.  She worked in our field many and her input was always taken seriously and never questioned. Until the day she asked me why I was working there.  Stunned by that question I asked her what she meant by that.  Here is how that conversation went...more or less:

B: "I don't mean to sound assaulting. But, do you realize how good you are at your job?"

Me: "Well, first of all, thank you. I have learned a lot here and feel the need to work hard to show that appreciation."

B: "That's all good and fine, but you know you can do so much more...."

Me: "What do you mean?"

B: "I have been doing this a very long time, and in my whole career never came across someone like you. You are respectfully kind when you are giving directions. You can hold a lot of information and break it down quickly in your mind, and you are amazingly accurate and a speed demon when typing away on that computer. It is impressive."

Me: SPEECHLESS.

B: "Listen, I don't mean to over step my boundaries here, but I know the people we work for don't appreciate you as much as you should be. I don't want you to end up like me.  Stuck in this kind of environment because of my age, and regretting not reaching out for more...allowing my fears to stop me.  Don't allow your fears stop you from becoming who you want to be, don't settle--You deserve more then that."

It may seem like a minor insignificant conversation to you, but to me, it changed my whole world.  I never had anyone make me think of my abilities in that way. To do more? To change jobs? As truthful as the unappreciated statement was, do you change jobs solely for that reason? Well boys and girls, that is exactly what I did. 

I thought about it for a few weeks and talked to my Pop about it. Slept on it, prayed about it and a few days letter, gave my letter of resignation.  Huge leap on my part, but my faith was on the same page---so it felt right. 

I knew people I could trust in one of those huge and very political corporations.  I reached out. I was told they were happy I finally had come around and would be excited to take me on as an employee. 

I 

  was 

         so

              happy. 

The Friday before I was to start my job and my last day at my old, I got a phone call from this person.  Things had changed in the last month and they had no job for me to come to.  Confused by this, I of course asked what they meant. Again, was told a lot changes were happening in this department and they had nothing for me.  Hanging up the phone my emotions took over. 

I 

  cried 

           for 

                 probably 

                                a 

                                   week.

Lucky for me, I still had my second job and they were happy to take me on as a full time employee, but only for a month.  So, I had a talk with myself and said it's time to work it.  Kick ass on this job, work as many hours as you can and hustle for the next job. You got this. You can do this. And of course my circle of trust were there cheering me on. 

Exactly a month later, the big company sought me out and offered me a job.  It was temporary, but it was a contract for 9 months of guaranteed employment.  I jumped in.  

This new job came with new work too.  What I mean, is that I was doing something completely different then what I was doing for the past 9 years. It was good though, I caught on quickly and really liked who I worked with.  

I 

   felt 

          blessed.

About 5 months into the job, my boss tells me there was a permanent position opening up and she wanted me to apply for it.  She couldn't say I would get it, but I had a really great shot.  I thought this is exactly what I have been working so hard for! My prayers had been answered! Thank you!

Next plan was to make them love me.  I made sure I was early to work, left late, helped everyone and anyone I could. Made sure you were laughing when I was around, always taking that extra step to try and prove to them how badly I wanted this job. 'Cause this job, I wanted more then anything. It wasn't just the start of an incredible opportunity, it was the beginning of my career. 

A couple of weeks later, I was offered the position. Happy doesn't come close to how I felt. I was on top of the fucking world! All kinds of things running through my mind that day....hard work does pay off!

I couldn't keep a smile off my face for days.

Then shit came and hit me so hard in my face, 

I 

  swear 

            I 

               can 

                      still 

                              taste 

                                       it.

The Friday before I was to start my new job, HR wanted to have a meeting with me.  I didn't think nothing of it. I thought it was the normal paperwork kind of stuff.  

Here is how that conversation went:

HR: "Well, I am here to, unfortunately, bring you some bad news."

ME: "What do you mean?"

HR: "It seems while doing your background check, we found that you do not have a High School Diploma..."

ME: "Um, that's impossible.  I know I didn't graduate with my class, but I went back to school and got it through independent studies."

HR: "We called and checked that. It seems you are about 7 credits short of your diploma."

ME: "WHAT?! I am sorry, but is there anyway you can be mistaken? May I take a moment to call them?"

HR: "Of course, I will wait right here."

I went outside to make this call, because if HR lady was right, I was going to fucking blow up.  HR was right. The teacher I had told me at the very last test I took, that I had passed and completed all credits.  I had my diploma.  She would send me something in the mail and congratulated me.  When I think about it, I know I received something in the mail from her---however, I have moved about 5 times since it happened and could not find that damn letter.  The school told me that teacher no longer worked there and by their records, I was 7 credit short.  Here is what went down back in the meeting with HR lady...

ME: "Wow, I don't even know what to say, I am speechless right now."

HR: "I am sorry to give you this news...but there is more.  Since you marked on your application that you had a Diploma/GED, it is our decision that the information you gave was false.  Therefore, we are re-tracking your offer and effective immediately terminating your temp contract. I am so sorry."

ME: Looking at this lady like she just told me babies are made from rainbows and unicorns. I was a little more then confused.  "Wait, are you telling me that you are letting me go over this?"

HR: "Yes."

ME: "Wait, I don't understand why do you have to terminate my temp contract. I didn't apply for it, you guys asked me to come here. And furthermore, why wouldn't the temp agency tell you this? Do they not do education backgrounds?"

HR: "No. They take care of the criminal and drug tests.  Listen, it is apparent that this is a huge misunderstanding. People talk about you, you know. Your boss speaks so highly of you, and everyone talks about what a great worker you are and I am just so sorry. I am going to need your badge."

ME: "So you are telling me I have no job?" Then thought to myself, and you are going to sit there and try to butter my burnt muffin? Really lady?

HR: "Yes. I am so sorry. Get this education all taken care of and re-apply in 6 months. We will find you something here."

I couldn't help it--the YES to me not having a job made tears stream down my face. I couldn't believe this was happening. I had worked so fucking hard for so fucking long and lady here is telling that since I checked that I had a diploma, because I really thought I did, they had no choice but to let me go? Really? REALLY?!

When I finally looked up, 

HR 

      lady

             was 

                    crying

                               too. 

I didn't get angry at that, like I thought I would have. I felt nothing. I vaguely remember handing her my badge and her telling me that she wasn't going to walk me out.  To go ahead and just grab my purse and she or my boss would personally deliver my things or mail them if I was more comfortable with that.  She would give me about 5 minutes and be waiting for me outside. I grabbed all my things, I wasn't going to allow them to mail me anything, and walked out. No goodbyes, no more tears, just zombie like numbness. 

Things that happened after that, I cannot tell you. But I can tell you it didn't break me like the first time. I was actually very pro-active; with the help of my COT (circle of trust), I got a lot done that day I left.  So here I am, starting at zero once again. I am not going to say that leaving my old job was a bad idea, or that not having a job right now doesnt suck like a whore's mouth on a Saturday night; I am telling you that I believe this means something better is waiting for me out there.  Things happen for a reason, and I am holding on to my faith this time.  Time to hustle again and get to where I need to be. Shit happens. That's a fact. It's up to you to decide if you want to smell like shit for the rest of your life, or clean yourself off and keep moving.  I choose to keep moving....without the shit smell of course.