Months had gone by before she realized how independent she was....of course family and friends helped when she asked and she only asked if she REALLY needed it.
Magik helped her get through everything. She never considered herself the type of person who needed medication to help cope. She had been dealing with all the events in her life without medication, till now. She was a woman who had been tore apart, she was broken goods. She knew it, cause she felt it. She was never lucky in love until she met her husband...so she thought.
The very first relationship I had lasted about 5 years. I think they all start out the same, you meet, you learn, you laugh, you have amazing make out sessions and then for some reason or other---the "it" factor dies. You are arguing with the man you love, demanding things from him. He was sick of your nagging, and looked elsewhere for comfort. And I am not saying that there is any reason to cheat, because there is NOT, but being young, I can understand how you would think so.
I didn't have a lot of boyfriends growing up, I had a lot of hook ups. So this first relationship was everything to me. I think that's why I was the girl that stayed. Stayed after he cheated , multiple times. Stayed after he said horrible things to me, because I allowed it. I even stayed after my first miscarriage, and him telling me it didn't mean anything.
By the time I built up enough strength to leave, it was shocking to me how little I thought of myself. Not that I didn't have issues growing up, I was always the chubby girl, but, no one ever really made fun of me; outside my brother of course. So I never really thought of myself as somebody who wasn't worthy. I thought that if you loved your man, you are suppose to stay with him till the end. You are responsible for taking care of your man, and keeping him satisfied, right? Yeah right, is more like it.
After my first relationship I did what every woman does. I write off men for good! I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted to be single, and have fun, and not answer to anyone, and just be me for a while. A little over a year later, I met my soon to be husband.
I am not the type of girl who goes out to bars or clubs. I once was, when I was in my teens, but when I hit a certain age, they just weren't fun for me anymore. One of my best friends turned me onto this thing called the Internet and a little something called yahoo chat. I was hooked. I could come home at any hour, hop online and just chat fearlessly, because they didn't know me. I could be whoever I wanted and do whatever I wanted. I have met some amazing people and am honored to say they are still my friends. Yes, we have never met in person, or they may live across the united states, but that is what was so GREAT about it to me.
Friends are there to support you, whether they are near or far. So after getting use to chatting and going into my normal "room" everyday and talking to the same people day in and day out. It really was like a new kind of family. We all talked about our days, and kids (for those who had any), what we hated about our bosses, or just about anything and everything. My same friend who showed me this new miracle that I adored so much, also showed me about the personal ads on yahoo. That was something that NEVER crossed my mind. I mean, this isn't the way it is suppose to work right? You are not suppose to look online at pictures and just "wink" at someone. I mean, someone wanting to talk to you based on your looks and a few of your likes? No way dude, that seemed cruel to me. I didn't grasp the meaning of getting to know someone and finding adult love without the physical part. This is what I learned after my friend talked me into putting an add up. Of course you get the weirdos who want to lick your toes, and you get the young guys who don't know how to hold a conversation (even in an email, sad-I know), but if you're lucky and smart, you can meet some pretty decent people.
He was one of those people. I think we started off pretty normal. Emails back and forth or a month or two, then moved to talking on the phone, and then it was time to meet. I am going to be really honest here and admit that by the time it came to meeting him, I was already in love. Three months after the first email was sent, he told me he loved me and it sent goose bumps up and down my entire body. I had the gutted feeling, like you think you're gonna throw up but its just those damn butterflies?...
The night we finally met, it was scary as fuck. Although we had sent pics to each other and talked everyday and missed each other, I was still very nervous that he wouldn't like me. Because of my body. I felt that my ex cheated on me because I was too fat, or ugly or fat and ugly! My mind was racing, heart beating triple time and when I pulled my truck over, got out of the car he just rushed to me and hugged me and told me I was beautiful and he was so happy I had finally agreed on meeting. It was a very beautiful moment for me.
Well needless to say things moved VERY quickly for him and I. We moved in with together a few months after that and was engaged a few more months after that. One year later, we were getting married. I had never met anyone like him in my life. He took care of me, better then my own mother and father ever did growing up. He taught me things with patience. He made me feel good about embracing my girly side. It was ok for me to feel like a woman, and wear makeup or get my hair done. I was able to feel comfortable wearing pink and purple colors. I had never experienced that in my life. It wasn't that way growing up for me. You had to be tough, and hard. You had to fit in and do your best to not get trampled on. You couldn't be weak. And this was how you had to be with my most of my family, not school or friends. This was all at home.
So embracing my girly side was something I never did. I was too embarrassed to try. I thought the family would crucify me royally. That was the biggest thing he helped me with---not to worry so much about what others thought. Family or not. If you are not hurting anyone or yourself---then feel free to be free. For the first time in my life, I really felt free. Free with him and because of him. I believe emotional problems from both our pasts is what started the beginning of the end. We lasted almost 10 years together. If you asked me, I would say I was fully happy the first 6 years. If you asked him, I am sure he would say 7.
The end of our marriage was so horrific, its too difficult to go into too many details. I have worked very hard to let things go, and refuse to bring it back, even if it means that someone reading this may not fully understand. And to be honest, that is what I would prefer. 'Cause then that would mean you have led a very steady and comforted life. Be proud of that.
I never in my life would have thought that the man whom I loved and trusted more then ANYONE in my life, would seek out to hurt me they way he did. Everything he did was intentional. Every step he took was always 4 ahead of me. For a long while I tried to be his friend. I loved him, of course I tried. But it just kept getting worse. Then I tried to help him. That didn't turn out to great either. It was like he had this whole new life, but needed me to stay just where I was. He had me cconfused and dependent on him, and for a couple of months he was very successful at it.
When I found out about the cheating, the drugs, and lies, and missing money, and the pure joy he was getting out of manipulating me---I tried to kill myself.
I was so far gone with his words, and trying to understand my friends words, or my Pops words, or brother's word---I couldn't make one word for myself. I was so lost and hurt, the pain---the pain you feel when the man who has your everything in his hand tells you he loves another woman and that he fucking hates you, breaks your soul. I know some of you reading this knows exactly what I mean by that. Broke my soul.
Detoxing myself from him was not easy and he didn't make it any easier. I got a lot of contradicting phone calls and text messages. He would say how much he loved me, and wanted to be friends. Then call me and tell me how horrible I was and that I did this to our marriage. Then a text telling me he knows its all his fault, and how sorry he was. Followed by another phone call telling me that this is why he left me 'cause I wont talk to him, and he girlfriend talks to him whenever he wants. Which of course would be followed by another phone call telling me how sorry he was for saying that, but that is just what you deal with when dealing with someone who is on drugs. Not sure if you followed that, so go back and re-read it again. Yes, he did do all of that and yes it was all on the same day. This went on for MONTHS. Again, detoxing from him was not easy. But I do have to admit that I was lucky. I was lucky to become so smart so soon. I know some women who are still in this kind of situation and they say the longer you stay in it, the harder it is to get out. SO I am very Thankful that it was only months and not years.
Even right now as I write this, I still ache with pain when I think about it, but I am not crying. Huge success. I had to be tough again. Get back to my home roots and pull out all guns on this puppy cause there was NO way I was going to allow another person to treat me that badly. If you asked my ex husband how I handled this situation, I am pretty confident he would say with class and strength. She got wise to my shit and wouldn't let me get away with anything, that is one strong ass bitch. I would be proud of that statement.
So here it is, a year and a half after my split and I am 98% self sufficient. NO-one is 100% in my opinion, at least if you believe in God you're not. I was 32 years old and was about to live by myself for the first time. I honestly didn't think too much about it after I got my faith back. I would worry and worry and worry about money all the time. I had to change all my habits in life. Nothing was the same, and I had to figure something else out that would work for just me. I have been here almost a year and I have pretty much everything where I want it. There are a few things that linger over my head with my ex still, but with just a little more time, all of that will be gone 100%. That will be one magikal day.
The place that I am lacking now, is trust and self confidence. If you met me, you wouldn't know it. I am an expert at it now. But, trusting someone new into my life is just not an option. I know some people say if you let the bad go, then you can open your heart up again. It just doesn't work for me that way, but I wished it did. I even pulled away from friends while going through this transformation and that was just my pride. I didn't want any of them to see me suffer. I thought, just act like you got it all under control and it will be. But, like i said before, I have some pretty amazing friends and they didn't fall for that shit. They reached out and it made me feel safe to reach back. So now I am working on my struggle with that plate of self confidence, a splash of self esteem and a dollop of trust...but I AM working on it.
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