My favorite dream

I was sitting at the table. I had missed my friends so much and I couldn't believe how happy I was to be with them. that overwhelming feeling of having to go to the bathroom come on. standing up doing the pee pee dance, I feel this weird sensation. I look down and there is liquid all over the floor.

I knew early into my 20's that having children was defined as impossible by my doctors.  It took me a long time to accept this information.  I had never dreamt of being pregnant, till the other night. It shocked me that I couldn't write about it right away.  Writing is my release. But, this wasn't about any kind of release for me. I woke up happy after this dream. I know it is something that can never be so I thought this dream should have made me sad. I was completely wrong. It put an extra pep in my step.  I woke up with a huge smile on my face.  So after letting it marinate in my brain for a couple of days, I decided to share a happy dream. Isn't dreaming all about the things you wish you could have?

I was sitting at homie's house.  She was going on and on about the kids, work and her husband.  I sat there laughing and rubbing my belly.  I got a call, it was BCOC.  She wanted to meet up for dinner. She said she already talked to wetta and she was down too. We decided to meet at bcoc's favorite place, El Burros.

The car ride there is a little fuzzy. All I can remember was sitting in the passenger seat of homie's car, singing really loudly and really badly to Girls by the Beastie Boys.  This is one of our favorite songs. We change the words up a bit, but that's personal information. ;)

Before we get to the restaurant, homie tells me she wants to make a quick stop. I was happy to go along. We ended up at the hugest Targets I had ever seen. It seriously was the size of two Super Walmarts.  The craziest thing about this target, it was a drive through. You could stay in your car and cruise down each aisle. There were so many people in their cars, happily driving and reaching out of their window to grab what they needed.  

Homie said she only had to go down the beauty section. But while we were there, could I suggest some eye makeup? ha ha. If you know me, you would know why that is funny.  She got her shampoo and I grabbed some different eyeshadow shades that would accentuate her eye color. I also grabbed a brush for her, no point in buying the colors if you don't have a brush to apply it dude. That is what I told her when she tried to fight me on the brush.  

Back on the road, homie starting asking me questions about the baby growing in my belly.  We compared notes on morning sickness, and cravings and lack of sleep. I am the girl who loves to sleep on her belly, so not being able to for the past few months was killing me, but it was worth it.  I couldn't remember being happier in my entire life.  Homie asked if I had changed my mind about finding out the sex. I told her no. I wanted to be surprised. This was a gift, I didn't want to cheat. I explained it was like trying to sneak a peek at a Christmas gift, just wasn't right. I wanted to wait and see what I had been blessed with. She just smiled at me. 

Now we are in the restaurant.  Bcoc, homie, wetta and I. Walking through the place to our table, I had a few strangers stop me and tell me how wonderful it was that I was pregnant. All I could do was smile and thank them. As I waddled to my seat, I took another look around the restaurant and every single person I had ever known was in that place.  Family, friends, acquaintances and even people I really didn't care for all that much.  

I was shocked! 

Thrilled! 

Confused!  

I look over to my girls, who all screamed SURPRISE! Behind them curtains opened and there was the biggest pile of presents I had ever seen in my life. Big presents, little presents--all wrapped in pink and blue and purple and yellow colors.  

I started to cry, of course, and suddenly everyone was coming towards me. I could fell the love the in the room. For a few moments it was as if someone had pressed fast forward. It was like every person had come to me to congratulated me, rub my belly or tell me how I deserved this blessing; all happened in a matter of seconds. Oh, and they kinda sounded like chipmunks.  Once in a while, when I scanned the room---time would slow down too. I had never in my life seen so many smiles. For some reason I knew I didn't have a boyfriend or husband, and it didn't matter. These people were here to support me, I was doing really going to do this--after all this time.  Suddenly I heard my Pop ask everyone to quiet down. When all eyes were on him, this is what he said.

"Mona, I am very proud of you. You are a strong woman and a hard working woman. I am always going to worry about you, but I also know you can take care of yourself. This baby is lucky to have you as a mother."

There are no words I can use to explain the joy I felt. 

After opening all the presents, which seemed like an eternity, I got this overwhelming sensation to use the restroom.  I stood up, doing the pee pee dance and felt something really odd.  I looked down and there was liquid all over the floor.  I locked eyes with my homie. 

"I think my water just broke."

Her eyes bulged out of her head like in the cartoons and started to yell at everyone to get the fuck out of the way.  We must have taken a bus to the hospital, because my mom, my COT, my sisters, my pop, my brothers all kept popping up right next to my head telling me to breathe deeply. By the time we got to the hospital, I wanted to slap every single one of them. Love was no longer in the air. :)

I am being rushed into the hospital in a wheelchair with my sister in front of the pack screaming, "Out of the way you dumpster pigs! My sister is having a baby!" 

My other sister yelling at her, "Shut up! Oh my gosh, I am embarrassed for you." 

My mom is crying, "My baby is having a baby, thank you Lord!"  

I am being wheeled into a room, I glance back and see my Pop. He smiled and gave me a nod. 

In the room, laying on the bed now, hooked up to crazy machines, I can really feel the pain now. 

My brother comes in and tells me it's going to be all OK, and hands me a balloon. I look at him, tilt my head to the side and said, "What's with the balloon dude?" He said, "Hello, focal point". This, in the midst of all the madness going on around me, made me laugh so hard it brought tears to my eyes.  

Then the doctor came in. He asked me if I was ready. 

I told him, "I've been ready all my life".

I woke up with my hand on my stomach and a smile on my face.  I am really happy the dream ended there.  I had an amazing support system, and everyone who mattered was there.  Not everyone spoke, but all their faces kept popping up throughout my dream.  

For the ladies who have children, go and hug them right now.  Tell them how much they matter and how much you love them. Even if they roll their eyes at you.  Being able to bore your own children really is a gift, appreciate that shit. I can understand how it can be tough at times, I have heard many stories.  Your kids are going to challenge you, fight you, think they hate you and lie to you. They will also hug you, thank you, help you and love you.  Be thankful for it all. 

love.

love. four little words that can change your entire life.  

love. everyone wants it, not everyone is willing to give it. 

love. something one is willing to die for. 

love. something we don't always do for ourselves.

love. each other, to make this world bearable.  

love. be respectful. 

love. be silly. 

love. be strong. 

love. allow yourself to embrace it. 

love. allow yourself to leave it. 

love. not always perfect. 

love. you can feel it.

love. ability to trust. 

love. is more than words.

love. music. 

love. buy him flowers. 

love. buy her food. 

love. keeps you warm. 

love. makes you cry. 

love. animals old and young. 

love. all the children in your life.

love. to hear their voice. 

love. slows down the world.

love. leafless trees.

love. internet. 

love. can destroy your world. 

love. makes you laugh. 

love. artistic expression.

love. food. 

love. curly hair. 

love. flirting. 

love. kisses. 

love. confirmation. 

love. confusion. 

love. foggy days.

love. how you feel when they hug you. 

love. cuddle time. 

love. dancing. 

love. writing. 

love. who you are.

You are special

We had been hunting him for a while. He was growing stronger and taking more 

women...we knew our time was running out. We finally found him, in some random park.  It was like his castle. Plenty of places to hide and disappear into the dark. When he met me, he told me I was special. I told him to fuck off. He grinned and said that everyone was allowed to disobey him... once. I looked back to my force I had with me, wondering why no one had tried to retain him yet. In those few seconds, I realized what was going on, but it was too late. They grabbed me. The sight of seeing him walk towards me was enough to make me pass out....

I am not sure how I got involved in searching for this man.  He was kidnapping women, and abusing them.  That was a huge mystery for me...how was he able to take over the minds of adult women and make them do these things? Didn't matter why, all that mattered was that it was happening and there had to be something done about it.  

I remember being at someones house. Watching TV with kids, laughing.  Then she walked in.  I knew I had seen her before, but couldn't place her. But I instantly trusted her. She came in and told me that he just took another woman, a little younger this time. She had leads to where he was and we left. It wasn't a question of if I wanted to go, I knew I had to go. So I ran after her. 

We had followed his trail to one of the hugest parks I had ever seen.  When we got there, I saw that two more females had joined us, determination in their eyes. We split up. Thought it would be easier to find the asshole. We finally came to a little rest stop in the middle of the park. There was a bathroom, a phone and a long perfectly planted row of trees. That's when he allowed himself to be seen.

I am not entirely sure everything he said to me, but I do remember him saying he knew I was special.  I know I should have bee scared, but I wasn't.  I had a feeling I had been trained for this, I was prepared...what a silly girl I had been. I vaguely remember telling him what a sick and twisted fucker he was. He just grinned.  He had a grin that could send chills down your spine, you knew he was evil.  As I stood there having this conversation with him, I started to wonder why my backup had become silent. I thought since I was distracting him with conversation, they were finding a way to detain him.  I was wrong. I turned around to see them smiling up at him with this great amount of respect and as if he was adoring.  Fuck. I was grabbed and could feel the roped being tied behind my back.  Fright finally kicked in. I passed out watching him walk towards me...with that grin on his face. 

When I awoke, my clothing had been changed.  I sat there with with only a shirt and underwear on.  No socks, no shoes, no bra--I felt very vulnerable and cold. I looked around and saw all the women he had taken.  They sat in front of the trees, the long row of perfectly planted trees. They were dressed similar to me, although some had no clothes on at all.  What happened next is something I will never forget. He looked over at me, saw I was awake and nodded to the first girl in the row.  She slid her shirt off her shoulders and stood up. Out of the shadows the woman I trusted appeared. She walked up and started beating this poor girl.  Punching, slapping, biting, calling her names---it seemed to go on for an eternity.  The poor victimized lady screamed and cried and begged for her to stop. It was like every time she cried out in pain, the bitch I trusted hit her harder.  The other bitch's I trusted finally appeared.  They each took their time beating every single female.  At one point, I closed my eyes and turned my head away. I couldn't stand it anymore.  He yelled at me to look. Said if I didn't look at what I couldn't stop, they would receive a harsher punishment.  I took a deep breath, and continued to watch them. These bitches had moved on to tree branches. I will not give any more details of what I saw---it is too horrendous.  Once he was satisfied, he put his hand up in the air. The bitches stopped. All the other ladies were lying on the ground now. Some making painful moaning sounds and some making no sounds at all. As he walked towards us, I noticed the bitches were out of breath--no way they would be able to chase me down, I thought.  When he reached us, he gave each bitch a kiss on the cheek. Told them it was their time now. I thought he meant they were going to beat on each other---this got me very excited.  If they were going to waste the rest of their energy beating on each other, I would be able to run away. I sat up straighter, waiting for my chance to get up and run.  I was wrong. Each female began to walk towards me, looking possessed and hungry. I got it. They had done such a great job for him, they were being rewarded with me.  He was in front of the line and helped me stand up.  Don't you worry, he whispered in my ear, they will not love you as much as the other girls. You are special. I want time alone with you too.  He caressed my cheek with his hand and I spit in his face.  Again, he gave me that evil grin. 

I assumed, when I woke up, that the amount of beating I received was enough to make me faint.  It was still dark outside. My whole body hurt. From what I could see, I had cuts from head to toe. Bruises were already prominent. The bitches were nowhere in sight, and the ladies by the trees were gone too. I tried to stand and fell instantly.  The pain was horrific. Never in my life had I ever felt this kind of pain.  But, I was not going to give up. With tears streaming down my face, I tried to stand about a dozen times-all failed. One more time, I told myself. Get your fucking ass up--you can do this.  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and tried again. Half way up I felt a branch. Shocked that I hadn't felt it before, I wrap my hand around it and put all weight on that branch. With one final push, and one huge agonizing scream coming from my mouth, I was up.  

Suddenly I see a car. And as quickly I see the car, I feel him behind me; gently placing a blanket over my shoulders.  He told me to stay silent.  The car stops and four people get out it. An older gentleman and his three kids.  He gives the psychopath a nod and they all head into the restroom. The stranger didn't even look at me. Was I invisible? The family came out, smiling, and got back in the car.  I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. Not one of them looked at me. I was going to be stuck with this sick son of a bitch and there wasn't anything I could do about it. Then out of nowhere, you could hear one of the abused ladies call out for help. In a flash psycho disappears behind me. With every inch of strength I had, I ran over to the car. I slid in practically on top of the driver and beg him to drive away. Please, please just drive. With shock on his face, he turns the car on, tells his kids to buckle up and drives away as fast as he could.  

I made my way into the backseat and for the first time sighed with relief.  I began to tell this family what had happened.  He told me I needed to call the police and see a doctor.  It was not that I didn't agree with him, it was more of my gut telling me it was a bad idea. Out of nowhere, the father of my savior family hands me his cell phone. I could hear it ringing on the other end. Psycho answered it. I told him that he was not going to get away with anything. I knew what he looked like and I knew where to find him. You are going down mother fucker was the last thing I said to him before I hung up. 

Flash to the hospital.  We are walking around trying to find someone to help us.  Do we call the police? Allow the hospital to call the police? What should we do? Finally father savior tells me he thinks we should go into the ER, get me checked out and go from there. He said I looked horrible and was still bleeding.  I finally agreed. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep my energy up much longer, I was already feeling dizzy.  When we reached the ER, there was a security guard and a Police officer in the waiting room. The nurse behind the window looked at me and said they had been waiting for me.  The officer stretched out his hand and told me it was OK now. I started to walk towards him....but then I stopped.  I asked him if I could trust him? He smiled and said of course.  Then I asked how they knew I was coming? The nurse told me it was because I called ahead.  No, I didn't.  The security guard gave me a confused look.  The police officer walked towards me, smile on his facing and nodding his head; yes I did call. I started to back up, energy level was full again, heart beating so loud I would swear they could hear it. And I was scared shit less. I reached back and felt my father saviors hand, grabbed it and started to run.  I could hear the officer yell behind me to stop. No fucking way, I thought. We ran and ran in that hospital, father savior's hand never left mine and was right behind me the whole time.  We finally lost the cop and ducked into what seemed to be a very private and out of view room. I sat for a minute trying to catch my breath. I turned my head to look at the man who saved me. The man who took a chance on me, the man who I will forever be in debt to. I turned with a smile on my face and saw his face grinning back at me. His demented, psycho face grinning at me.  

"I told you," he said. "You are special."

I woke up screaming. 

Moral of that story kids...never eat chili right before bed, haha.

You deserve more then that

I want to make something clear---these are actual events that have happened in my life. Altered to keep those close to me safe, and no one needs to know every single detail.  This is also not meant for anyone to feel sorry for me. Shit happens. That's a fact. It is also a fact that some people get shit on more then others. I am learning I happen to be one of these people.  I say that because I use to think I had to have been doing something bad/wrong for these misfortune events to be happening to me.  Maybe I wasn't studying hard enough, nice enough to other kids at school, didn't show enough love to my loved ones. But the truth is, I just get shit on a lot.  That's cool man. I am in constant learning mode and have amazing and supportive people in my circle of trust. 

I am no stranger to hard work. I thrive when given multiple tasks with a deadline. I love that shit. So, when I was working 2 jobs, 6-7 days a week, it wasn't difficult. It never felt like something I HAD to do and groaned about all the time. It had to be done, so you get up every morning and do it. 

When I first moved to where I live now it was very difficult.  I had never felt so out of place. The people were just different from me. Most of the people are beautifully superficial. Where I am from, you're not superficial---you brag about what a bargain you got.  There was money, but not everyone talked about it like most do here. Money doesn't make you the person you are---it can hinder it. So, me working as much as I was, wasn't about the money---it was about survival.  

I didn't have a lot of bills, just a few huge ones.  Asking for money is something I have never felt comfortable doing. There are very few people in the world that I would ask to borrow money from, I literally mean 2. So what does a single girl do? She gets her ass to work to make ends meet. 

I had become very comfortable with my work. Everyday the same thing, which was fine with me, until the day I met Barbara.  I needed help at my full time job and she was the answer.  Smart, funny, motherly and all around one of the most kick ass ladies I had ever met.  She worked in our field many and her input was always taken seriously and never questioned. Until the day she asked me why I was working there.  Stunned by that question I asked her what she meant by that.  Here is how that conversation went...more or less:

B: "I don't mean to sound assaulting. But, do you realize how good you are at your job?"

Me: "Well, first of all, thank you. I have learned a lot here and feel the need to work hard to show that appreciation."

B: "That's all good and fine, but you know you can do so much more...."

Me: "What do you mean?"

B: "I have been doing this a very long time, and in my whole career never came across someone like you. You are respectfully kind when you are giving directions. You can hold a lot of information and break it down quickly in your mind, and you are amazingly accurate and a speed demon when typing away on that computer. It is impressive."

Me: SPEECHLESS.

B: "Listen, I don't mean to over step my boundaries here, but I know the people we work for don't appreciate you as much as you should be. I don't want you to end up like me.  Stuck in this kind of environment because of my age, and regretting not reaching out for more...allowing my fears to stop me.  Don't allow your fears stop you from becoming who you want to be, don't settle--You deserve more then that."

It may seem like a minor insignificant conversation to you, but to me, it changed my whole world.  I never had anyone make me think of my abilities in that way. To do more? To change jobs? As truthful as the unappreciated statement was, do you change jobs solely for that reason? Well boys and girls, that is exactly what I did. 

I thought about it for a few weeks and talked to my Pop about it. Slept on it, prayed about it and a few days letter, gave my letter of resignation.  Huge leap on my part, but my faith was on the same page---so it felt right. 

I knew people I could trust in one of those huge and very political corporations.  I reached out. I was told they were happy I finally had come around and would be excited to take me on as an employee. 

I 

  was 

         so

              happy. 

The Friday before I was to start my job and my last day at my old, I got a phone call from this person.  Things had changed in the last month and they had no job for me to come to.  Confused by this, I of course asked what they meant. Again, was told a lot changes were happening in this department and they had nothing for me.  Hanging up the phone my emotions took over. 

I 

  cried 

           for 

                 probably 

                                a 

                                   week.

Lucky for me, I still had my second job and they were happy to take me on as a full time employee, but only for a month.  So, I had a talk with myself and said it's time to work it.  Kick ass on this job, work as many hours as you can and hustle for the next job. You got this. You can do this. And of course my circle of trust were there cheering me on. 

Exactly a month later, the big company sought me out and offered me a job.  It was temporary, but it was a contract for 9 months of guaranteed employment.  I jumped in.  

This new job came with new work too.  What I mean, is that I was doing something completely different then what I was doing for the past 9 years. It was good though, I caught on quickly and really liked who I worked with.  

I 

   felt 

          blessed.

About 5 months into the job, my boss tells me there was a permanent position opening up and she wanted me to apply for it.  She couldn't say I would get it, but I had a really great shot.  I thought this is exactly what I have been working so hard for! My prayers had been answered! Thank you!

Next plan was to make them love me.  I made sure I was early to work, left late, helped everyone and anyone I could. Made sure you were laughing when I was around, always taking that extra step to try and prove to them how badly I wanted this job. 'Cause this job, I wanted more then anything. It wasn't just the start of an incredible opportunity, it was the beginning of my career. 

A couple of weeks later, I was offered the position. Happy doesn't come close to how I felt. I was on top of the fucking world! All kinds of things running through my mind that day....hard work does pay off!

I couldn't keep a smile off my face for days.

Then shit came and hit me so hard in my face, 

I 

  swear 

            I 

               can 

                      still 

                              taste 

                                       it.

The Friday before I was to start my new job, HR wanted to have a meeting with me.  I didn't think nothing of it. I thought it was the normal paperwork kind of stuff.  

Here is how that conversation went:

HR: "Well, I am here to, unfortunately, bring you some bad news."

ME: "What do you mean?"

HR: "It seems while doing your background check, we found that you do not have a High School Diploma..."

ME: "Um, that's impossible.  I know I didn't graduate with my class, but I went back to school and got it through independent studies."

HR: "We called and checked that. It seems you are about 7 credits short of your diploma."

ME: "WHAT?! I am sorry, but is there anyway you can be mistaken? May I take a moment to call them?"

HR: "Of course, I will wait right here."

I went outside to make this call, because if HR lady was right, I was going to fucking blow up.  HR was right. The teacher I had told me at the very last test I took, that I had passed and completed all credits.  I had my diploma.  She would send me something in the mail and congratulated me.  When I think about it, I know I received something in the mail from her---however, I have moved about 5 times since it happened and could not find that damn letter.  The school told me that teacher no longer worked there and by their records, I was 7 credit short.  Here is what went down back in the meeting with HR lady...

ME: "Wow, I don't even know what to say, I am speechless right now."

HR: "I am sorry to give you this news...but there is more.  Since you marked on your application that you had a Diploma/GED, it is our decision that the information you gave was false.  Therefore, we are re-tracking your offer and effective immediately terminating your temp contract. I am so sorry."

ME: Looking at this lady like she just told me babies are made from rainbows and unicorns. I was a little more then confused.  "Wait, are you telling me that you are letting me go over this?"

HR: "Yes."

ME: "Wait, I don't understand why do you have to terminate my temp contract. I didn't apply for it, you guys asked me to come here. And furthermore, why wouldn't the temp agency tell you this? Do they not do education backgrounds?"

HR: "No. They take care of the criminal and drug tests.  Listen, it is apparent that this is a huge misunderstanding. People talk about you, you know. Your boss speaks so highly of you, and everyone talks about what a great worker you are and I am just so sorry. I am going to need your badge."

ME: "So you are telling me I have no job?" Then thought to myself, and you are going to sit there and try to butter my burnt muffin? Really lady?

HR: "Yes. I am so sorry. Get this education all taken care of and re-apply in 6 months. We will find you something here."

I couldn't help it--the YES to me not having a job made tears stream down my face. I couldn't believe this was happening. I had worked so fucking hard for so fucking long and lady here is telling that since I checked that I had a diploma, because I really thought I did, they had no choice but to let me go? Really? REALLY?!

When I finally looked up, 

HR 

      lady

             was 

                    crying

                               too. 

I didn't get angry at that, like I thought I would have. I felt nothing. I vaguely remember handing her my badge and her telling me that she wasn't going to walk me out.  To go ahead and just grab my purse and she or my boss would personally deliver my things or mail them if I was more comfortable with that.  She would give me about 5 minutes and be waiting for me outside. I grabbed all my things, I wasn't going to allow them to mail me anything, and walked out. No goodbyes, no more tears, just zombie like numbness. 

Things that happened after that, I cannot tell you. But I can tell you it didn't break me like the first time. I was actually very pro-active; with the help of my COT (circle of trust), I got a lot done that day I left.  So here I am, starting at zero once again. I am not going to say that leaving my old job was a bad idea, or that not having a job right now doesnt suck like a whore's mouth on a Saturday night; I am telling you that I believe this means something better is waiting for me out there.  Things happen for a reason, and I am holding on to my faith this time.  Time to hustle again and get to where I need to be. Shit happens. That's a fact. It's up to you to decide if you want to smell like shit for the rest of your life, or clean yourself off and keep moving.  I choose to keep moving....without the shit smell of course. 

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

Months had gone by before she realized how independent she was....of course family and friends helped when she asked and she only asked if she REALLY needed it.  

Magik helped her get through everything.  She never considered herself the type of person who needed medication to help cope.  She had been dealing with all the events in her life without medication, till now.  She was a woman who had been tore apart, she was broken goods.  She knew it, cause she felt it.  She was never lucky in love until she met her husband...so she thought.  

The very first relationship I had lasted about 5 years.  I think they all start out the same, you meet, you learn, you laugh, you have amazing make out sessions and then for some reason or other---the "it" factor dies.  You are arguing with the man you love, demanding things from him.  He was sick of your nagging, and looked elsewhere for comfort.  And I am not saying that there is any reason to cheat, because there is NOT, but being young, I can understand how you would think so.  

I didn't have a lot of boyfriends growing up, I had a lot of hook ups.  So this first relationship was everything to me.  I think that's why I was the girl that stayed.  Stayed after he cheated , multiple times. Stayed after he said horrible things to me, because I allowed it.  I even stayed after my first miscarriage, and him telling me it didn't mean anything.  

By the time I built up enough strength to leave, it was shocking to me how little I thought of myself.  Not that I didn't have issues growing up, I was always the chubby girl, but, no one ever really made fun of me; outside my brother of course.  So I never really thought of myself as somebody who wasn't worthy.  I thought that if you loved your man, you are suppose to stay with him till the end.  You are responsible for taking care of your man, and keeping him satisfied, right? Yeah right, is more like it.  

After my first relationship I did what every woman does.  I write off men for good! I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted to be single, and have fun, and not answer to anyone, and just be me for a while.  A little over a year later, I met my soon to be husband.

I am not the type of girl who goes out to bars or clubs.  I once was, when I was in my teens, but when I hit a certain age, they just weren't fun for me anymore.  One of my best friends turned me onto this thing called the Internet and a little something called yahoo chat.  I was hooked.  I could come home at any hour, hop online and just chat fearlessly, because they didn't know me.  I could be whoever I wanted and do whatever I wanted.  I have met some amazing people and am honored to say they are still my friends.  Yes, we have never met in person, or they may live across the united states, but that is what was so GREAT about it to me.  

Friends are there to support you, whether they are near or far. So after getting use to chatting and going into my normal "room" everyday and talking to the same people day in and day out.  It really was like a new kind of family.  We all talked about our days, and kids (for those who had any), what we hated about our bosses, or just about anything and everything.  My same friend who showed me this new miracle that I adored so much, also showed me about the personal ads on yahoo.  That was something that NEVER crossed my mind.  I mean, this isn't the way it is suppose to work right? You are not suppose to look online at pictures and just "wink" at someone.  I mean, someone wanting to talk to you based on your looks and a few of your likes? No way dude, that seemed cruel to me.  I didn't grasp the meaning of getting to know someone and finding adult love without the physical part.  This is what I learned after my friend talked me into putting an add up.  Of course you get the weirdos who want to lick your toes, and you get the young guys who don't know how to hold a conversation (even in an email, sad-I know), but if you're lucky and smart, you can meet some pretty decent people.  

He was one of those people.  I think we started off pretty normal.  Emails back and forth or a month or two, then moved to talking on the phone, and then it was time to meet.  I am going to be really honest here and admit that by the time it came to meeting him, I was already in love.  Three months after the first email was sent, he told me he loved me and it sent goose bumps up and down my entire body.  I had the gutted feeling, like you think you're gonna throw up but its just those damn butterflies?... 

The night we finally met, it was scary as fuck.  Although we had sent pics to each other and talked everyday and missed each other, I was still very nervous that he wouldn't like me.  Because of my body.  I felt that my ex cheated on me because I was too fat, or ugly or fat and ugly! My mind was racing, heart beating triple time and when I pulled my truck over, got out of the car he just rushed to me and hugged me and told me I was beautiful and he was so happy I had finally agreed on meeting.  It was a very beautiful moment for me.  

Well needless to say things moved VERY quickly for him and I.  We moved in with together a few months after that and was engaged a few more months after that.  One year later, we were getting married.  I had never met anyone like him in my life.  He took care of me, better then my own mother and father ever did growing up.  He taught me things with patience.  He made me feel good about embracing my girly side.  It was ok for me to feel like a woman, and wear makeup or get my hair done.  I was able to feel comfortable wearing pink and purple colors.  I had never experienced that in my life.  It wasn't that way growing up for me. You had to be tough, and hard.  You had to fit in and do your best to not get trampled on.  You couldn't be weak.  And this was how you had to be with my most of my family, not school or friends.  This was all at home.  

So embracing my girly side was something I never did.  I was too embarrassed to try.  I thought the family would crucify me royally.  That was the biggest thing he helped me with---not to worry so much about what others thought.  Family or not.  If you are not hurting anyone or yourself---then feel free to be free.  For the first time in my life, I really felt free.  Free with him and because of him.  I believe emotional problems from both our pasts is what started the beginning of the end.  We lasted almost 10 years together.  If you asked me, I would say I was fully happy the first 6 years. If you asked him, I am sure he would say 7.  

The end of our marriage was so horrific, its too difficult to go into too many details.  I have worked very hard to let things go, and refuse to bring it back, even if it means that someone reading this may not fully understand.  And to be honest, that is what I would prefer.  'Cause then that would mean you have led a very steady and comforted life.  Be proud of that.  

I never in my life would have thought that the man whom I loved and trusted more then ANYONE in my life, would seek out to hurt me they way he did.  Everything he did was intentional.  Every step he took was always 4 ahead of me.  For a long while I tried to be his friend.  I loved him, of course I tried.  But it just kept getting worse.  Then I tried to help him.  That didn't turn out to great either.  It was like he had this whole new life, but needed me to stay just where I was.  He had me cconfused and dependent on him, and for a couple of months he was very successful at it.

When I found out about the cheating, the drugs, and lies, and missing money, and the pure joy he was getting out of manipulating me---I tried to kill myself.

I was so far gone with his words, and trying to understand my friends words, or my Pops words, or brother's word---I couldn't make one word for myself.  I was so lost and hurt, the pain---the pain you feel when the man who has your everything in his hand tells you he loves another woman and that he fucking hates you, breaks your soul.  I know some of you reading this knows exactly what I mean by that.  Broke my soul. 

Detoxing myself from him was not easy and he didn't make it any easier.  I got a lot of contradicting phone calls and text messages.  He would say how much he loved me, and wanted to be friends.  Then call me and tell me how horrible I was and that I did this to our marriage.  Then a text telling me he knows its all his fault, and how sorry he was.  Followed by another phone call telling me that this is why he left me 'cause I wont talk to him, and he girlfriend talks to him whenever he wants.  Which of course would be followed by another phone call telling me how sorry he was for saying that, but that is just what you deal with when dealing with someone who is on drugs.  Not sure if you followed that, so go back and re-read it again.  Yes, he did do all of that and yes it was all on the same day. This went on for MONTHS.  Again, detoxing from him was not easy. But I do have to admit that I was lucky.  I was lucky to become so smart so soon.  I know some women who are still in this kind of situation and they say the longer you stay in it, the harder it is to get out.  SO I am very Thankful that it was only months and not years. 

Even right now as I write this, I still ache with pain when I think about it, but I am not crying.  Huge success.  I had to be tough again. Get back to my home roots and pull out all guns on this puppy cause there was NO way I was going to allow another person to treat me that badly.  If you asked my ex husband how I handled this situation, I am pretty confident he would say with class and strength. She got wise to my shit and wouldn't let me get away with anything, that is one strong ass bitch.   I would be proud of that statement.  

So here it is, a year and a half after my split and I am 98% self sufficient.  NO-one is 100% in my opinion, at least if you believe in God you're not.  I was 32 years old and was about to live by myself for the first time.  I honestly didn't think too much about it after I got my faith back.  I would worry and worry and worry about money all the time. I had to change all my habits in life.  Nothing was the same, and I had to figure something else out that would work for just me.  I have been here almost a year and I have pretty much everything where I want it.  There are a few things that linger over my head with my ex still, but with just a little more time, all of that will be gone 100%.  That will be one magikal day.  

The place that I am lacking now, is trust and self confidence.  If you met me, you wouldn't know it. I am an expert at it now. But, trusting someone new into my life is just not an option.  I know some people say if you let the bad go, then you can open your heart up again.  It just doesn't work for me that way, but I wished it did.  I even pulled away from friends while going through this transformation and that was just my pride.  I didn't want any of them to see me suffer. I thought, just act like you got it all under control and it will be.  But, like i said before, I have some pretty amazing friends and they didn't fall for that shit.  They reached out and it made me feel safe to reach back.  So now I am working on my struggle with that plate of self confidence, a splash of self esteem and a dollop of trust...but I AM working on it.