Amy

She said, "I wish I was a stripper, they make that fetia!"

I said, "You are crazy, but I'll be your bodyguard!"

"LMAO @ you mariachi!"

"I'd only do that for you my cocina..."

I do not make friends easily.  I can meet people, and be courteous.  Make them laugh and feel comfortable. But, I do not call everyone my friend.  It takes me a long time to allow someone in my circle.  It is smart. You can't just trust anyone, everyone wears their masks well these days.  So when I met her, it shocked me how much I liked her.  With a flash of an eye, I considered her my friend.  She was crazy, smart, funny, a hustler and straight up.  She was the type of female who lived for her kids and her man.  She didn't give a shit who you were, she was going to be bluntly honest with you.  Down ass bitch, and she instantly not only became a friend, but one of my best friends.  I trusted her as much as I trusted my girls who I had known for years.  She felt the same way in return.  We were there for each other in the darkest times, and the happiest times.  They say that women spend most of their life trying to find that special someone to be there for them throughout their life.  I believe a lot of women don't consider their best friends to fill this role.  If you are lucky enough to have friends that don't judge, call you back, listen to you cry, hug you, tell you what an amazing person you are or just sit in silence with you---that is your throughout life partner.  

I met Amy a little over four years ago.  She came to work in the same office as me.  She said we didn't like each other when we first met, but I honestly can't remember never liking her.  She reminded me so much of my homie.  The very first memory of her I have from work was at Christmas time.  We sat in the front office, tying ribbons to ornaments and laughing.  I think it was our breakups that bonded us.  We would sit in my office and talk for hours.  We seriously had a hard time getting some work done, haha. When she went through the death of her baby's dad, I remember sitting there with her. Listening to her cry and ask why and express her feelings of their relationship.  All I know is that I tried to be there for her whenever she needed, and even when she didn't.  When things started to decrease in my relationship drama, she was right there by my side.  I knew I could trust her when I cried in front of her and shared secrets.  She never made a funny face, never laughed, just hugged me when I was done and told me what an amazing woman I was and she knew I was going to be ok.  She took my secrets and kept them close to her, she never shared them.  I never shared hers.  

When she was laid off from the office, I never thought that would be the end of our friendship.  'Cause you know how you can become close with someone you work with, but once they are gone---it's sometimes becomes one of those out of sight out of mind situations.  Never happened with Amy and I.  I would go by after work, bring dinner sometimes for her and her boys. Or she would cook for all of us.  We talked everyday, and shared everything with each other, like best friends do.  Even though I would never go out with her, no matter how many time she asked--haha. Going out just isn't my thing.  I enjoy staying in, or going out to dinner--maybe see a live band.  But this girl loved going out.  Dancing and shots of patron.  I loved that she never gave me a hard time about not going out, she would just tell me to come over for dinner the next day.  I deeply appreciated that.  We truly became like sisters.  We told each other everything, no details too small.  She became my rock, and I believe I was hers.  I think one of the most fascinating things about our friendship was that we never fought.  Amy had fought with everyone in her life, her illness did that sometimes.  But never with me.  That is something that holds a very special place in my heart.  

Two years ago, on my 32nd birthday, we got matching ink.  It was something I really wanted, and she was the one to suggest we get matching ones.  I never had a doubt, it actually made me more excited to get one.  That was a great birthday.  It was just her and I.  We started off at my place, getting ready.  Music pumping and her asking me to do her eye makeup.  Driving over to see her friend, we mostly drove in silence--content.  We got to the shop where she and Cisco immediately started talking shit to each other--haha; that was just them.  He was ready to go and had already drawn up our picture.  They had talked days before about what we wanted, and it was perfect. I told her to go first.  I don't think I had ever seen a female sit so still, and never make one expression on her face as the needle penetrated her.  I don't move either, however, I make all kinds of funny faces.  When hers was done, we all went out side for a smoke.  This was the first time I met her friend and could tell he was good people.  Extremely funny and foul---but charming at the same time.  She sat right next to me, laughing at all my funny faces as he was inking up my arm.  All I could do was laugh and tell her to shut the fuck up, haha.  The only difference in our ink is hers had one gold tooth...gangsta. After the shop, we tempted to go to the casino and dive into the buffet. But, we changed our minds when we saw how packed it was.  So we ended up at my favorite chinese restaurant.  Enjoyed dinner in peace and hugs goodbye.  

As I said before, I don't like going to clubs.  But, she talked me into going out with her once. It was to this little dive bar in Napa to meet this new guy she was talking to and to see a live band.  She came to my house, as I was running around trying to find something to wear and feeling less then pretty.  I didn't have to say anything, she just knew I wasn't feeling my best.  I know that because when I finally came out in my outfit, she took one look at me and said, "You are so pretty mariachi". Being me, I called her a liar and told her let's get the fuck outta here. She just laughed at me and agreed.  The trip to Napa was not as adventurous as the trip back, but we still had fun.  Lots of magik, and good music made it a quick drive.  We met up with her new dude, who is an amazing person, and followed him to the bar.  The band was extremely talented.  They played Santana, oldies and everything in between.  They blew my fucking mind.  We danced, in our chairs, drank---her patron, me one blue moon---and had a great night.  Until she started to feel sick.  We sat outside in my car for about 15 minutes. Him trying to convince her to stay and me talking on the phone to the new guy in my life.  I finally made the call to leave.  She looked really sick and I knew she didn't want to stick around anymore.  On the road, about 10 minutes into our drive she told me to pull over, she was going to be sick.  I didn't even have time to pull off an exit, I had to pull over on the side of the freeway.  She jumped out of my car and blew chunks.  I gave her a bottle of water to wash her mouth out and told her it was ok, I would get her home soon.  Back on the road, she started to look for her phone and couldn't find her purse.  When she told me she thought she left it on the side of the freeway, all I could think was; what the fuck?!  So, I got off the next exit to turn around.  When we got close to where I pulled over, I slowed down to about 5mph driving down the side of the freeway.  I can't even imagine how crazy we looked driving that slow and both heads looking to the right. When I pulled over where we both thought she hued, she couldn't find her purse.  I asked her if she was sure it wasn't under the seat.  She told me she already fucking looked there and it wasn't there. I told her to check again.  So, she slowly came back to the car, got in and reached under her seat.  She laughed as she pulled her purse out from under her seat.  I couldn't help but laugh with her.  "You stupid ass!", is all I could say through my laughs.  She told me, "I know, fuck. I'm sorry". We laughed the whole way home. 

On August 14th, 2011, Amy passed away.  

I have had special people pass away in my life, but, I had never had someone so close to me pass away before. The events of that entire night will never leave my brain.  It was the first time in my life I cussed at a police officer and accused one of being a liar. But, all I can really say about that night and the next three days is that I was happy I could help...it was my pleasure and I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.  

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her.  There is also not a day that goes by that I wish I could talk to her.  I am not sure if anyone knows how much I cry about this either.  I try to be strong, for her mom and her boys.  I think it would be selfish of me to cry to her mom about me missing my friend.  But will admit how much I miss Amy when her mom starts to cry to me about missing her only daughter.  

I am going to admit that sometimes I think I will get a text from her still.  Or get a morning call from her saying, "Wakey, wakey--eggs and bakey!" 

Makes me smile to think about it, and then I get a deep dark hole feeling in my tummy.  I am a believer in everything happens for a reason. Which is difficult for me and my life.  However, my faith keeps me good, no matter how much falling into depression seems easier.  Amy was a beautiful person, and if I ever fall into that dark place she helped me stayed out of, I would feel as if I am disrespecting her and our friendship.  

Therefore, I won't go there. 

I will just say this:

Amy, I appreciate everything that is you.  You were an amazing friend to me and I can only hope you knew how much I loved you.  Meeting each other and becoming such close friends was a gift.  I hope you are happy everyday and ask that you keep coming to me in my dreams.