Worth

Take a shower.  These are the words that were told to me by a smiling unknowing woman.  I sat in a seat too small for my body pouring my heart out.  I had reached bottom and desperately seeking guidance.  When she asked me how I was feeling, I couldn't stop myself from talking.  I talked about my marriage, my depression and even my worse childhood memory.  I could tell, when I was out of breath from talking, she had no idea how to handle me.  But it didn't stop me. I kept talking. It was an out of body experience, or some shit like that.  I could see the more I talked the more confused she became and I even think I saw a little fear in her eyes.  It didn't matter to me, I needed to talk. I needed someone who didn't know me to sit there, shut the fuck up, and let me talk.  

It was the only reason I broke down in my doctors appointment.  I knew I was slipping into the dark and needed to get the venom out.  So, I threw all of my normal tendencies out the window and completely broke down to my male doctor.  Told him how confused I was, how I had no one to talk to that would be able to understand. I felt like I was losing my fucking mind and I needed someone to talk to...NOW. He didn't even speak to me.  He reached over for his phone, asked for the psychiatry department.  When someone came on the line he said, "I have a patient here who is in need to speak with someone, she is a level 18". I had no idea what that fucking meant, but I am sure it was short for, "Get this crazy bitch out of my office". It worked.  He handed me a piece of paper and told me to go right over.  I thanked him and as quickly as I turned around to head for the exit was as quickly as my crying stopped. 

Driving over to see someone to talk me off a ledge, I must have smoked 5 cigarettes.  Yes, I smoke. Get over it. At least I don't deal with my issues by drinking and driving.  I started to cry again in the car as I was parking.  What the fuck is going on with me? Is this it for me? Am I about to walk into this building and be put away for 51/50? Would it be the worse possible thing if I did? I couldn't answer any of these questions, so I decided to take it one second at a time...it was all I had. Walking up to the building I told myself to stop being a fucking pussy, stop crying.  Amazingly enough, as I reached for the door, my tears were dry again.  

I am not sure if my doctor had called this office again, but they were waiting for me.  As soon as I walked up to their Check-In window and told the faceless woman my name, she told me someone would be right with me.  Before I was able to sit down, a door opened and someone called my name.  Following another faceless woman, she began to ask me how I was doing, as she looked back at me with a huge smile.  "Are you fucking for real?", is what came out.  I am sure I could have been ruder, so saying what I did didn't bother me, even now, doesn't bother me.  It was when her smile vanished did I finally crack a tiny grin.  She quickened her steps and showed me to an office. 

  "What's-her-face will be right with you", she said and closed the door.   

I took a look around the office. It was filled with sunshine, and I hated it.  Drawings taped up from children, a couple of plaques of how great this woman was and two huge plants by her desk.  She had file cabinets to the left and a small table to the right.  Her desk was cherry wood with a computer and piles of paper on it.  I took a seat.  Next to my seat was another small table with a tissue box on it and a small garbage can next to it.  Seeing that gave me a little hope. At least this lady was prepared so maybe this is what I need.  Suddenly I hear a soft knock on the door and she opened it.  Why did she knock? When she walked in, I knew right away, this was NOT what I needed.  She came in smiling too big and wearing too much makeup.  She said she was sorry for keeping me waiting.  She took her seat behind her mound of paper and asked me, "How are you feeling today"? That is when I had diarrhea of the mouth.  Everything came out, and no mattered how hard I tried, I couldn't stop the tears.  After the vomit words from my mouth, we sat in silence for a few minutes.  Me catching my breath, blowing my nose and her trying to figure out what the fuck to tell me.  

So, this is what she resorted to.

"Let me ask you, what is an activity you do that makes you happy, or feel better"?

I said, "What"?

She continued with, "Well, what is something that you do, that makes you feel better---refreshed"?

I just sat there, glaring at her.

"Ok, let me ask you this, how do you feel after you take a shower"?

"Clean", was my answer.

She chuckled. "No, what I mean is, don't you feel good after a long hot shower"?

"Yeah, I suppose...", is what I started to say.

She cut me off. "Well there you go! This is what I want you to do, I want you to go home and take a long hot shower. It is going to make you feel 100 times better, I promise", she said with a smile.

All I felt was rage. It took all I had to not tackle her to the ground and rip that smile off her face.  

"You are so right", I said sarcastically. "I do feel so incredibly better after I shower.  You know, I don't drink coffee and a shower has always been my way of waking up! I don't know why I never thought of taking a shower when I was thinking of ways to end my life". 

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "If you are having those kinds of thoughts, we really should be talking about other things".

"Oh no", I said. "I would never seriously think of hurting myself. I mean, don't we all have a bad day and wished we had another life? Haven't you ever thought that?"

She shifted again. This made me smile.

"That is something I cannot comment on...."

"Why not"?, I asked. 

She said, "Well this is not about me and my personal life, it is about you and helping you feel better". Again, she gave me that smile. 

I leaned toward her from my seat with obvious anger in my voice I said, "So answer this, how in the fuck are you suppose to help me with something you have never been through, or even thought of? Is this something they taught you in school? To tell an obvious hysterical person to take a fucking shower when they feel sad? Do you even know what it is like to have had the experiences I have so unselfishly shared with you"?

I watched as all the color drain from her face. 

"I am going to leave now, but before I do, please take this bit of knowledge from me. Stop walking into this office with a joker fucking grin on your face.  The people coming in here are hurting and need sympathy and a good ear.  Stop telling people to take a shower to help them feel better. It is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.  If you have no idea how they feel, stop acting like you do.  Send them to someone who can relate to them, because I know you are not the only fucking person around here to talk to".

Before leaving I turned to look at her once more, "One more thing, get out there and get some life experience to help your patients.  There is only so much a fucking book can teach you".

I would bet you a million dollars you were able to see the steam coming off my head as I left that office.  I couldn't believe this is the type of help they offered.  Although I am sure they could have offered better help, but at that moment, I had no idea how to obtain it.  Therefore, I was back at square one, but with a little less weight.  It did make me feel better to word vomit on her, I felt like I could breath a little easier again.    

When I look back on this interaction, I have to admit she did help me.  The anger took me to another place.  I was no longer thinking of a way to have another life, or run my car into a brick wall.  It made me go straight home and write about it.  All of the built of emotions lead me to write my very first short story.  The story may be dark and not everyones forte, but it allowed me to focus my mind on something else.  It took me out of my shitty reality and forced me to open up things in me I hadn't felt in a very long time.  So to that no name, no life experience woman, I say thank you.  Even though I do tend to think that if I had been a weaker minded person, I would not be here today.  I also hope she took what I had to say seriously.  

Dark times finds us all.  We cannot hide from them.  Everyone gets picked on, everyone gets demoted, everyone gets pushed away and everyone gets dumped.  

It happens. 

But we can choose what we do about them.  I am not saying you shouldn't give yourself time to cry it out or have a very teeny tiny pity party; cause you should.  Just don't extend it so far that you fall into a deep depression you can't get out of.  

That's not right.  

Some do nothing and complain about it.  Some do too much and complain about it. Others do a half ass job and complain about it.  I think if you fall into doing too much, or doing half ass; you have every right to complain about it.  

Because you tried.  

You are not going to get the right answer every time something happens.  You are also not going to be able to have the right answer every time.  It is the people who choose to do nothing and complain about it, I feel no sympathy for.  Stop making excuses of why you can't do this or that.  If you are scared, say it.  We all are scared when these times come upon us.  Just please stop sitting on your ass doing nothing.  Not everything is hopeless. Not everything will have an answer.  Not everything will make sense.  

All facts.  

But, that doesn't mean you cannot try and work your mind and life around it or through it.  Speak up! Other people have no problem trying to bring you down with their words, so why can't you bring yourself back up with your own? It doesn't matter what someone calls you, it is only real if YOU believe it. Stop believing others and start to believe in yourself.  You have every right to be part of this world and make the best out of your life.  

Follow your heart, but listen to your gut.  

It doesn't matter what your age is, there is never a bad time to re-connect with yourself.  Start with a list.  Who are you? What do you want? What are the things you can live without? What can you do to make yourself happy, everyday? 

Don't ever give up on yourselves. 

Take it from me, I have been in dark places many times in my life and it may seem like the only way out of the pain, but it is not. If you are have family and friends that you can go to and talk to, that is fucking fantastic, DO IT. For me, reaching out has always been difficult.  

It was implanted in my brain since I was little that no one fucking cares.  

So, you have to go at things by yourself.  I don't fully still feel this way, but it is something I still struggle with.  We all need to be brave and acknowledge our fears.  Put in the work to make a better you.  Try to think of it this way...if you can put the thought and energy into something that can ruin you, why wouldn't you use that energy to better you? I am not going to tell you to take a fucking shower, but I am going to tell you to do SOMETHING. Go clean out your closet.  Seriously, get rid of everything you haven't seen or worn in a year.  Try it, you might be surprised about the way you feel after.  Start a journal. Start doing a video diary of yourself. Do this everyday about your progress or how you feel that day.  I did that for a year, and it helped.  I still wrote, but the videos I really liked.  You can always go back and read about how you felt on that particular day, but when you are able to see yourself and see the tears or the smiles, it effects you differently.  To be able to see and re-live your emotions can be somewhat spectacular and help in a huge way. 

It is all about occupying your mind on something else, switch the focus.   

Be good to yourself, mentally.  I was taught in one of my classes that you need to be 85% selfish and 15% co-dependent.  You have to get right with you or else how in the fuck can you be right with anything else? We had no choice in the life that we were given, but it is your efforts that can make it better. It is never to late to change a decision you once made.  You can always take a different road.  Making a decision is putting yourself out there to the unknown and if it doesn't work out, guess what? You can go a different fucking direction.  You have all kinds of different routes around you.  Freeways, Highways, Back roads---you just have to choose one. You have to be willing to fight or yourself and yes, it is exhausting, but why don't you think you are worth it? It's been my experience that when someone cannot connect with themselves mentally, everything else just seems...pointless.  

You have worth---make sure you cash in on it.