Confessing a feeling

I am not sure everyone goes through this, but I like to think they do.  Trying to love to unavailable.  I do know women are not the only ones that go through this.  I never thought of myself as someone who wears their heart on their sleeve.  Apparently, I was wrong.  I do think I am very good at not allowing every single emotion come out of me.  I believe I am a good person, and try to help when I can.  I am also a very selfish person, too.  I tend to allow my heart to lead me, but backtrack with my mind.  What I mean by that is, I will feel something very deep in me, but act as if it is no big deal.  Defense mechanism? Maybe.  

Growing up was....very interesting.  I won't lie and say that I remember everything growing up, because I don't.  I wish I did, well maybe I wish I remember more of the good times then what I actually remember.  Not to say I do not remember good times, they are just harder to obtain and are very blotchy.  However, it is my past that has made the woman and the personality I am and have today.  Something you hear all the time, but there is such truth to it, you can't deny the words.  I also believe it is what stops the growth of some things in my life too.  I tend to be very possessive, not jealous. Jealousy is not being able to trust, and although there are very few in my life, I can trust.  Possession is more towards something that is mine. Whether that be materialistic things, family, a boyfriend...those I consider mine.  And I will fight for what is mine.  

I think one of the biggest obstacles in my life has been love.  Sometimes wanting more, sometimes wanting less.  But it has become apparent to me it is the one thing I continue to search for, sometimes subconsciously.  I can understand how everyone is looking for love, who doesn't want to be loved? I think for me though, it runs deeper.  I was once told by an ex-boyfriend that I loved too hard and that is why he cheated.  How can you love someone so much it leads them to cheat? I can understand if I was an obsessive and clingy and stalker kind of chick...but I am not. I am the type of female who loves when a man has his own life.  I like to wish my man a good day, every morning.  And yes, sometimes you have to talk things through.  I respect a person who is willing to do that.  It is easy to run away so that is impossible of me to respect that kind of route.  There is nothing shameful about working on a relationship, and for a long time I didn't want a relationship.  Not because I have been hurt, we all have been hurt; but because I wasn't ready to put in the work.  However, that has all changed.

I pushed away someone for months.  I knew I wanted to be single, I actually loved being single.  But, now...I am missing that kind of connection.  I also have convinced him to be single.  So now, here I am, ready for something more and he is not.  I tend to think he really likes our friendship....I am guessing I am better at convincing others more than I thought.  Even though I know right now, he is not capable of a relationship, it doesn't stop me from wanting more.  He is going through his own trials and tribulations.  Different then what mine where, but doesn't make them any less complicated.  This is something I did to myself, but won't use the word blame.  It's more typical.  Typical in my life.  I know they say if you love someone, you should let them go.  If they come back it was meant to be, and if they don't...it wasn't.  I don't know if I fully trust that.  Because I did let him go, and he kept coming back; just in a different way.  I don't doubt that he doesn't like or care for me, he just doesn't want what I want.  Which is kinda crazy because when he wanted it, I didn't.  And I know that any kind of relationship with him would be work, a lot of work. It is a specific type work that I am unfamiliar with and is my past history, unfamiliar work scares me off.  However, the fact that I am willing to learn and try is huge for me.  

It's insane for me to put this all out there, I know, but it helps.  Maybe someone reading this knows exactly what I am feeling and can relate.  If you are one of those people, I feel your pain.  To want something that you can't express wanting is difficult.  More difficult then I would have ever thought.  Did I mention he is probably all wrong for me? Haha. Of course he is.  But that is what so appealing to me.  I am sure this is something that will never be, him and I.  We are in very different places in our lives, and I don't know if the capability of a relationship is feasible.  I am sure it will be one of those novels about loves that can never be.  Not to say the he will not meet someone to have a relationship with, I am sure that will happen.  Like I am sure I will find someone to be with.  I am merely confessing a feeling. A feeling of how I can care about someone so much, whom a relationship will never be considered.  Not the we both wouldn't want to consider it, it just seems out of grasp.   

Maybe my search of compatibility with someone is what is wrong. The fact that I now know I want one...a relationship.  I will also admit I might be feeling so much is because of all the oldies I have been listening to, haha.  Nothing makes you want to cuddle someone you love more than oldies do.  But, I won't stop listening...that's just me.  I also hope if he is reading this, it doesn't make him uncomfortable.  He knows I will never push anything, and will continue to be here for him. That is what friends do.  This is just something I do now, blog.  It helps me filter, and maybe get through my mind the reality of us, not the fairy tale.  Although this is something I have not talked to you about, I want you to understand that I understand.  I love you as a person, as a friend and I love us too.  Maybe one day this is something we can talk about, but for now---not necessary.  I do think it is important to know that it will not stop my search, as I know it won't stop yours.  

So I guess it for me, it all comes down to finding a specific someone.

I know I want to find someone who cares about me.  I am looking for a man. A man that is kind, funny and has life experience.  Someone who is capable in putting in effort, and stop beating around the bush.  Be direct with me. I will be direct with you.  An individual who has no problem taking care of someone who will surely take care of you.  I am no stranger to hard work, this is something I say often.  Therefore, I need someone who can do the same.  Someone who knows that when you go visit family, it's going to be an all day event and enjoys it. A man who loves food, lol. 

Ok, enough of that---I feel like I'm putting up a personal ad.  


All I am really saying is that I understand the dynamics of a friendship with a certain man and expressing it in this way helps me process it.  This is in no way meant to be anything more then that.  I understand the feeling of wanting something you can't have, and it sucks--no doubt about that, but I am thankful for the friendship we do share.  I hope if he reads this, he understands that.  Oh and for him to always remember, my love is like whoa! 

So I guess for now and forever, this will be the main man in my life...